What Would Jesus Blog

The Problem with Doing Something Great

2011-02-23T09:07:00.002-05:00

Uncle Rico is a character in the movie Napoleon Dynamite (most deadpan movie ever). Rico always talks about 1983 because in that year “he was gonna somebody”. As you hear Rico talk about the good ole days, you begin to realize that what Rico was doing wasn’t really all that great. Still after 15 year, Rico still feels like he could throw a football over a mountain.
There are only two ways that someone does something great: 1) The person is great at “some task” and can’t help but to recreate it. 2) A great moment stumbled onto somebody. Example: Michael Jordan hit the game winning shot to win the NCAA Championship for North Carolina. We know that it wasn’t a fluke because Michael Jordan is so great at basketball that his silhouette (the Air Jordan logo) of him jumping with a basketball is recognizable all over the world. Aerosmith is a great band and periodically they remind us of that fact by producing a hit record or concert tour (or Steve Tyler becomes the funniest thing to watch on TV in years). Then you have JaMarcus Russell. During LSU’s NCAA Football Title run a few years back, Russell was awesome. Then he became a NFL Draft first pick. Then everyone got to watch him play some of the worse football ever until he was cut (meaning he still got paid to not play football). In music, there are soooo many one-hit wonders (Duncan Sheik, Spiral Staircase, Hanson). Lightning struck. But it disappeared just as fast as it lit up the sky.

The issue is every Far East Movement (“fly like a G6”) thinks that they are as great as Usher.

I have a pastor friend who did something great. Since then, he has tried and failed to recreate the greatness the happened back then. The problem is, you can’t tap the nightingale on the shoulder and ask to see the same dream you saw the night before.

I once preached a sermon about when Moses struck the big rock and water came spraying out. What a great moment that must have been. The next time Moses needed water, God told him to do something new (speaking to the rock instead). Moses struck the rock again. That single act cost Moses a chance at the Promise Land. In the sermon I equated it to the Sex in the City ladies trying to recreate there 20’s all the while missing out on motherhood which could have been their greatest moment.

I think the reason way God does new things it to prove that greatness is provide by him and not the moment itself. Being ok with the changes in life is a very spiritual task. Trying to recreate something by duplicating the past sounds a little bit like magic.

Back to Uncle Rico, how different would that movie had been if Rico could see the potential in Napoleon? It wouldn’t had been as funny.

Be back soon

2010-08-09T08:42:00.000-04:00

I will start blogging again later. Life is a little busy right now. I am telling you this because I would hate to leave my reader hanging.

At Odds with Myself

2010-07-15T17:26:00.001-04:00

Every guy nearing 30 begins asking the question of “who am I?” That question is not the real question but a summarizing question. It summarizes all times that they question the decisions that lead them to their current place in life. What these questioning “pre-mid-lifers” always fail to notice is the fact that their decisions don’t always lead them. I can make a decision to be a brain surgeon, but some else’s bad DUI decision will negate my decision. Fate (aka God’s Plan) happens.
I can’t figure out if it was decisions that I made or circumstances that led to me becoming the monster of ambiguity. I also see no recovery method from it or restitution for it. I am two people. Those friends of mine that see one side of me rarely see the other. When they do see that other side of me, they are often shocked. They will express their astonishment and disbelief followed by words of judgment. The only person in the word who fully nose the extent of this inner angst is my wife. She is very understanding.
I am two people. My name is Craig Monyhan, and I love both sports and nerdy stuff. I also feel like it is OK to like both. I am a big sports fan. I will watch a darts tournament if it was on ESPN. Seriously, when I realized during the movie Dodgeball that the tournament and ESPN Ocho were fiction, I was sad but yet still held out hope that both would be actualized in the near future.
I also love nerdy stuff like classic video games, stories about elves, and superheroes. I feel like if I was able to materialize my struggle in high school I would have given myself a wedge. But then a few years back, 2 loves of mine collided and my world would never be the same. I discovered Fantasy Football. The world of the interweb and sports combined to create a hybrid of fictional role playing with sports view and smack talk. I can’t wait to start up again this year.
I also play the electric guitar. I wonder where that fits in.

Return of the Talking Heads

2010-06-14T16:57:00.000-04:00

Last year I wrote a post about the comment section on news organization’s websites. Another scandal broke out in my realm of being. The scandal is unimportant to this post…but it is “juicy”, it does involve church leaders, and most importantly it is public. These three items make it a hot topic because everyone can comment.
“Juicy” – scandals have to be juicy. No one would care otherwise. No one comments when a fire breaks out at an old run down abandon warehouse. There is nothing juicy about it. “Juicy” doesn’t necessarily mean it is sexual in nature. When UK Coach Cal is named in a NCAA investigation it is juicy. The main component of juicy is the fact that juicy things dry up and you throw it away…except for the people directly involved. They carry around the scandal forever. More than that, they carry around people’s throwaway comments.

Church leaders – scandals about church leaders are scandals with a side of scandal. When the people that are held up to a higher standard fall, they fall from a higher stand. They are open to ridicule about every aspect of ministry. “They use too many flashing lights for Jesus to be at that church”, or “I knew that preacher was crooked because they sing songs that were written in the last four years.” Then you have the atheist opportunist. “Organized religion is a scam!” That comment is particularly awesome because the validity of organized religion is determined by the morality of the one guy that messed up.

Public – it sucks, but this scandal needed to become public. I feel bad for the persons involved. It sucks.

But back to the Talking Heads…I read comments about how this person involved made his bed and now he must lay in it. I just think the person involved probably knows that…because he is lying in it now. Talking Heads perceives themselves as the wise old owl that has a great pearl of wisdom to share. That is 2078 and counting pearls on the Courier Journal site alone. Pearls are valuable because they are rare. Plus, if I remember my Disney cartoons correctly, there was only one owl in the forest. What do you get when put a whole bunch of owls in one place…owl poo.

But I guess since I am blogging about it, I am a Talking Head.

News

2010-06-04T16:02:00.000-04:00

I use this term loosely because you never really know what is going to be the news that will be of lasting effect. Big news stories never seem to really be as big as they are supposed to be. Example: Swine Flu. I would give more examples, but the news coverage of this PANDEMIC! was so greatly overstated to the point where all other examples pale in comparison. News companies sensationalize the news by putting a huge negative spin on everything. To make the news truly “fair and balanced”, I am going to put a positive spin on each of the major news stories from today’s headlines.
BP Oil Spill – After the oil price gouging of 2008, BP is making amends by giving away oil free to anyone who has a bucket on the Gulf beach.

Arizona Immigration law – the state wants to help the Federal Government enforce the law the Federal Government created…how sweet.

Israel and Palestinian State fighting – Everyone is thinking about God and church and holy places.

Miley Cyrus kisses a girl on TV – I am glad she is cashing in on her 15 minutes.

Detroit Pitcher robbed of perfect game by bad call – It’s only baseball.

Entire Jersey Shore cast have herpes – It’s only herpes.

That’s the news for today. That’s it. But yet we need to have 4 different 24hr news stations on TV, and countless websites to tell us about it over and over again.

The following are positive news stories in my life, but to make them more interesting I am going to report them like the Scary News Stations do.

My friend Kristy has been off drugs for one whole year. Her Dealer could get laid off. While he be able to take your tax money as unemployment benefits.

Four Hills is launching on Sunday…but can the surrounding neighborhood handle the traffic problems. You decide.

Kristen (my wife) got a job – Is the Economy this bad? How will Hailey eat all that Healthy food at Day Care? How will this effect Kai’s speech Therapist?

He’s still working on me

2010-05-27T13:10:00.000-04:00

I had just started 6th grade. That year changed my life. That year I met a group of people that would eventually become the greatest friends and even fellow church planters. I also had a teacher that year that gave bonus points for well-thought, creative answers...even if they were wrong (shout out to you Mrs. Mullins). That year also secured my paths that eventually lead to my meeting of Kristen (wife). But the most insignificant thing I can remember was getting a solo in the kid’s choir at church. That is what popped into my head today. The song went, “He’s still working on me, to make me what I ought to be…”
I believe that God designed us and that He puts circumstances in our path that shape us into what He intends us to be. There are moments in my life that I can point to that felt like that – God setting up something that lead to me being a better person. That seems very intentional of the behalf of God (and to His benefit).

I understand this part of God because I do the same thing with my lawn. I cut the grass because it is good for the grass and it makes me look good…and keeps bugs from crawling up my legs…and makes it easier to find my kids in the back yard…and not twist my ankle stepping on a Thomas the Train toy. It is intentional to do house maintenance because it is good for me.

Sometimes I sit down with my guitar (or something musical) and work out this weeks worship service. This again is intentional and it makes me look good and responsible. But then there are other times that I sit down with an instrument without an agenda. I don’t have a goal of getting better at that given instrument but it happens anyway. I just wanted to play because I love it.

Sometimes I teach my kids something like "don’t take the straw out of your kiddie cup because it causes you to spill the Kool-aid on the floor". This is a very important skill to learn before you are 18 years old (another story for another day). That is intentional to keep me from having to clean up a mess. Then there are other times that I try to teach my kids something like "what colors are part of the light spectrum - ROY G BiV". My kids get smarter. I guess it does bring some glory to me. My reason is not as defined as the spill-prevention effort. I love my kids and I want to share a piece of my knowledge in hopes that they will become more like me. To not spill things is not a Craig characteristic (grant it, I am pretty good at beverage containment), but having geeky knowledge and sharing it more freely than anyone asked for is TOTALLY a Craig characteristic.

Right now, I am at a place in life where God is growing me; but I don’t see why He is doing it or what He is using. I realized that I don’t need to know the reasons or the method. I just need to know that He loves me and I want to become more like Him. “…How loving and patient He must be, cause He’s still working on me.”

Summer

2010-05-05T13:01:00.001-04:00

It’s that time again. The release of the first big budget Superhero movie of the year is usually a major indicator that summer is here. I believe that summer is more than just a season, but a mind set. I believe that summer is American. I know that sounds incredible narrow minded and redneck. (America didn’t invent summer no more than Christianity invented Democracy). But summer is the time of year that you get to celebrate things that you can only do in the US. Summer is about freedom. I made a quick list of freedoms you enjoy during the summer.

Every summer begins with school being let out ergo freedom for students.

You celebrate your right of land ownership by cutting your grass.
If you smoke you don’t have to freeze your fanny off therefore expressing your right to do things that are “supposedly” unhealthy. In the winter, all the smokers outside of my office look miserable; during the summer they look relaxed.

Speaking of slowly killing yourself, you get to grill mountains of meat on the grill and feed it to whoever you choose. Cavemen invented the barbeque, Americans perfected it.

On the drive home from work you can roll down that glass barrier between you and the outside world. Next time you do – yell like Mel Gibson in Braveheart (Christians love them some Braveheart) “Freeeeeeeeedooooom!”

If you are a serial TV watcher, the summer frees you from anything good on TV. No Lost, Law and Orders, or Big Bang Theory. If you dare watch summer TV you will end up watching Big Brother 18 or I’m a Celebrity! Make Me a Pirate (not a real show…yet).

You get to wear shorts aka free to bare your legs to the public. It is truly American because there is an understanding between you and all the other shorts wearers that says “I won’t judge you if you don’t judge me.”

The greatest of all things summer is the ability to eat your lunch outside at work. This is something about saying to the Big Brown man in Atlanta to take his break room and enclose it in a his lower gastro-intestine using a excessive amount of force by method of his popcorn dispenser.

I love summer and by summer I mean the summer that happens before it gets too hot and before misquotes start coming out.

BTW: Big Brown man in Atlanta is not a racist comment.

Popcorn (the peacemaker)

2010-04-21T13:23:00.000-04:00

The following post is going to make me sound ungrateful for my job. Don’t misinterpret me not wanting to be patronized with me not wanting my job.

An email was sent to everyone in my building at work that today is Employee Appreciation Day and to show how appreciative the company (who will remain anonymous to protect…me) is for it’s ”hard working” employees there will be FREE popcorn in the break room from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM. If you guys know me at all, “FREE” appeals to me…but popcorn? My company is a good company, especially my local management…but the email wanted me to feel like the red carpet was being rolled out for me because I get popcorn. Meanwhile, there is a Blood Donation bus parked outside offering me a mini soda can and a Star Crunch.

Also the timing of the great popcorn distribution was during lunch hours…as if I am going to forgo my can of Campbell’s for a buffet of popcorn. Plus, everyone in my building eats out during lunch, so the only ones in the break room during lunch are me and the weird reading lady (weird because she reads Romance novellas…in public).

During the last year, my company like all companies has been bracing for the Great Recession and has cut a lot of my benefits (like my health care coverage). If I ate the popcorn I would somehow feel like Esau eating a bowl of stew in exchange for his birthright. I was NOT going to eat the popcorn. I even had a daydream that I was Andy Sandburg taking the bag of popcorn and throwing it on the ground. “You can’t buy me popcorn man!”

So lunch time came. I go to the break room. There was an upper management employee (whom I know well) standing next to two large bins of popcorn. I warmed up my can of soup and sat down in my usual spot. That manager came up to me and offered me popcorn…again; it’s just me in there with heavily breathing Fabio fan. I declined politely. The manager responded with, “Are you too good for our popcorn?” Scared me too death because I didn’t know how to answer it. Yes, I am too good to be pleased with popcorn. I am not going to lower my standards and lie. I hesitated to answer and it’s a good thing I did. The manager broke a smile and said, “Can you believe the other building is getting Kizito cookies?” It helped to know that I wasn’t the only one who could see this offering as extremely inadequate.

For Them

2010-04-01T11:01:00.002-04:00

I thought I might write something a little bit spiritual because it’s Holy Week…or this allergy medicine is making me feel really euphoric. Kinda like with Christmas we tend to forget the real reason why we stole another Holiday from the pagans.

Jesus died for the sins of all men despite the stupid things they do. Jesus loves them whether they accept his forgiveness or not. I decided I would try to start listing those forgiven…realizing that I will fall short.

Jesus died for Christians even though He knew they would divide into groups and sects and fight with each other over the stupidest stuff. Is it a shame that people who wear the name of Christ can be the meanest people around? Yes. Have I been one of those mean Christians?...Yes. (Especially when on the phone with Sprint)

Jesus died for Jews, even though they deny Him. They will come around.

Jesus died for Tiger Woods. Not that he is so bad…but he is a fallen public figure that needs to know Christ’s forgiveness more than ever.

Jesus died for openly gay people. If sin was not in the world, Jesus wouldn’t have been needed to come here. Just seems that Christ is awesome enough to forgive all sins and not just the ones that Christians say He should. Jesus doesn’t like to be told what to do.

Jesus died for closeted perverts. Christ is bigger than secret sin too.

Jesus died for people on Death Row. I love the fact that the only person that Christ publicly guaranteed salvation to was a fellow Death Row inmate.

Jesus died for people in Skid Row. Not that their music was a sin, but their hair might as well have been.

Jesus died for Satanist. Most converted Satanist and Earthy type-witches have a stronger understanding about Christ’s power.

Jesus died for Gordon Gekko. He is fictional, but I am referring to the people that are so greedy that they can’t see that God is the provider of all things.

Jesus died for crazy people. Diagnosed and otherwise.

Jesus died for Cher. No reason to spotlight her…just in case she googled her name and found my site, Jesus loves you Cher.

Jesus died for politicians. Jesus was a better man than I am.

Jesus died for the lady who lent her voice to the phone automated services. Even that isn’t forgivable.

Jesus died for pastors who seem like their life is together on Sunday morning, but they are terrible fathers and husbands (mothers and wives if they are lady pastors).

Jesus died for both of my blog readers.

Jesus died for the homeless. I am surprised he didn’t Be-attitude them.

Jesus died for the people in the porn industry. Funny that Christ forgives those that are leading people down the wrong path just for financial gain.

Jesus died for prosperity preachers. Funny that Christ forgives those that are leading people down the wrong path just for financial gain.

Jesus died for me even though I am deeply flawed. He died for me even though I sin. He died for me even when I am a jerk and when I can’t do anything right. He loves me no matter what I do. He loves me more than I deserve. He loves me the same as he loves everyone else in the world.

Nuts

2010-03-17T09:22:00.000-04:00

The title of this blog should be “Things you think of when you think you might be dying.”

The deal is I have grown a couple more marbles in my marble patch than the typical two. I made a doctor’s appointment. Before I go to the doctor’s, I always check out WebMD to prepare myself for what ever they may say or do. I’m not a doctor, but I check to make sure that they don’t make me take off my pants to diagnose a sore throat…again. The thing is WebMD told me more than I wanted to know. It told me that I either have a benign growth or a cancerous one. It also said that, due to my age and skin color (sorta white), it was more likely to be cancer. This cancer is nearly impossible to die from if caught in stage one, but cancer is the scariest word in our culture. Needless to say, I am going to be fine no matter what it is.

I got to thinking about what I would do if I thought I was dying. I would probably start being looser with my money. I would probably quit my job, because why would I waste life there. Really, the only real changes I would make with my life concern time. The only item in my life that is scarce it time.

That said, if I die of natural causes, Kristen becomes a wealthy woman. She is already a catch, but she could go fishing in deeper waters with my corpse cash.

Holy Ghost Hokey-Pokey

2010-03-09T10:34:00.000-05:00

This post has two goals. Goal number one is to tell a story about cynicism and my journey through it. Goal number two is to not end this post with expression, "That's what it's all about."

I watched a YouTube video that a friend showed me. You can watch it now if you want. Just search for Holy Ghost Hokey-Pokey. My friend showed it to me because he wanted me to laugh at the weirdness that these uber-charismatic "Christians" were doing. They were claiming that when they sang the song Hokey-Pokey during a service, they were experiencing divine healing of back, shoulder, mental illness, hands, and feet. The pseudo-soulful singer (who was trying to make it sound serious - while thinking to himself, this is totally uncool) would sing "Put your right hand in, Put your right hand out....shake it all about" and the audience would participate. Old Craig would totally find this outrageous and blasphomus. But I am working on a new take.

What if Jill (fictional character at that church) was praying for her back to be healed? God spoke to her and said, "If you do the Hokey Pokey, you will be healed." Jill was totally doing the hokey Pokey when John (another fictional character) saw her. She explained her story. John, as a sign of solidarity, does the Hokey Pokey along with her. The church joins in because they all want Jill to be healed. Meanwhile, Jill is healed and so is everyone who joined along. The thing is I think I am done making fun. I am at the point where I want it to be true.

How would that story be any crazier than the stuff God asked people to do in the Bible? Sometimes God reminds me of an 8th grade boy with the creative stuff he has people do just because he wants to see if they'll do it. "You need water, play drums on that boulder." "Your skin is rotting off, go jump into a lake." "You need food, give the last bit of food you have away."

I mentioned the story of Moses striking the rock to make a stream pour from it. This is a cautionary tale of how to treat a move of God. Moses needs water again later. God told him to talk to the rock (some versions say sing to the rock); Moses struck the rock again. Moses relied on his previous miracle and attempted to recreate it. That is never of God. In fact, believing that if you say a certain phrase or do a certain action will make something supernatural happen sounds a little bit like Magic to me.

If the church repeats the Hokey Pokey to try to squeeze every ounce of miracle out of it, they will be in sin because they will be worshiping the song / miracle and not the miracle maker. But I have to believe that their pastor is aware of that and will seek out what new thing God wants them to do. And that's what it’s all about.

You belong to me

2010-02-01T10:48:00.003-05:00

I played cards with some friends last night. I also watched a little bit of the Grammys. First off, Lady GaGa is weird and that Destiny’s Child Single Lady went a little too far by trying to do an Alanis song. Seriously, that is like Sugerland (pop country singing group) redoing, “The Devil went Down to Georgia.” But there was one artist that sang her own song (not very well) that got me thinking.

Taylor Swift is a young artist that writes her own songs and plays her own guitar. There is something respectable about that. The song she sang was called “You belong with (or ‘to’) me”. As I listened to the song, I realized the brilliants of it. The song is alright; it sounds like a song you hear on the radio, but this girl sold 10 million copies of this song. That is not an easy feat. As I listen to the words, I caught the magic of the song. It is about a girl that has a crush on a boy and wants them to become more than friends. The plot thickens when you hear that this guy likes this other girl who is the cheerleader type. The singer/narrator explains to the guy (from a distance so he can’t hear her) that even though the cheerleader is prettier and generally more fun that her; the narrator is perfect for him.

To restate the words in none lyrical fashion, it goes like this: “She is hot and dresses a little trashy. She is popular and cool. She could have any guy she wants. Meanwhile, I am a little frumpy and so skinny that I look like an eleven year old from the third world. I don’t really have anything going for me, but I KNOW YOU. That girl isn’t your type, I am.” This song is the collective mantra of all the ugly weird girls in high school. They think that somehow this guy is going to not go for the pretty girl just because the ugly girl knows him better. News Flash! If you are a part of a Teen Girl Squad and you are one labeled The Ugly One, you don’t have a chance with this guy. You also inadvertently created two problems.

The first problem is you forced the guy to invent a statement that goes like this: “We are too good of friends and I don’t want to mess that up.” You are not good friends! He is lying to you. I good romantic relationship actually thrives in friendship. A good friend does not lie to you just to keep you from crying. Yet, when you corner the guy, this is what response comes out. It is not a good thing for the guy either. This statement makes her think that you guys are better friends than you really are, and it makes her think that the reason you to aren’t together is because of your friendship and not the hair on her upper lip.

The other problem is the expectation placed on the guy. The guy has the power in this song. He can have the cheerleader or the ugly girl that has a great personality. To expect anything other than him to go after the girl that takes care of herself is way off base. The ugly girl/narrator is expecting him to be the perfect guy and not care about looks and the chemicals in his body. It is not healthy for the guy to have that kind of pressure or for the girl to dream like that. She has created a fantasy dude that can never exist. If the song picked up 10 years later, the ugly girl would still be wondering way he went for the cheerleader, she still can’t believe that he made the wrong choice, and wondering if there will ever be anyone else like him.

When I hear the song, I picture the Eternally Awkward Girls Collective (registered trademark) singing this song to each other during countless slumber parties in between the games of “I’ve Never…” in which everyone consistently announces that they have never done anything.

PS. The statement "You belong with me" sounds a little too crazy girl. "You belong with me" says girl. Guy responds, "Who are you and why are you smelling my Trapper Keeper?"

No One Ever Askes

2010-01-21T15:43:00.003-05:00

No one ever asks how you stayed together; they only ask how you met. If they were to ask how we stayed together, this would be my response. I could never find anyone that is as lovely as Kristen. I also will never try to.

I feel like I was the lucky one when she chose me, yet she is a fan of the things I do, believes I can be the best and supports every idea I have.

I tell her everything because there is no one more compassionate and understanding as her.

Even when I forget to take the trash out, she makes my lunch.
I feel like it is her fault when things go right.
I know it was her idea when something creative happens.

She is the female counterpart of Chuck Norris myths (i.e. Kristen doesn’t cook food, food transforms in her presences.)
She is beautiful, young, and vibrant.
She has so much energy and enthusiasm for things that matter.
After 11 years of being with her, we can still talk all night.
If you want to know how we stayed together, I couldn't live if we were apart.

Happy January 21, 2010.

PS. Since our computer is down, Kristen won't be able to read this. I might print out a copy of it and hide it in her purse.

Guitar Shopping Experience

2010-01-11T15:25:00.001-05:00

I have been shopping for a guitar. In order to effectively do this, I have to go to stores to play guitars. I hate going into these stores more than anything because of the wonderfully awful customer service that I receive at these places. Why would a music store have particularly bad customer service? There are long and twisted reasons for this, but they all boil down to the customer server.

To work at a music store one has to be amazing at guitar playing. One has to know everything there is to know about guitars. One has to know the names of the entire famous guitarist hall of fame. They must be able to tell the difference between a nice guitar and a mean guitar. They must be able to hold their own in the knowledge category with the greatest guitar minds as they could come through those doors and purchase a guitar based on your astute expertise...but they don't. Instead it is guys like me.

To work at a music store, you must be over the medium age of acceptable minimum wage retail sales person. You must have all the skills and none of the talent to actually be a famous musician. You must look down on every question a patron may ask. You must be able to scoff at any guitar that isn’t an American made Fender ($2000+) even when you sell other guitars. You must have a keen eye for detecting whether a potential buyer is worthy of your time. You must hate kids. You must have long hair and simultaneously be bald. You must not have clue that you sell things with a 30% markup from www.musiciansfriend.com.

There are some exceptions. BG at J-Mall Willis has always been cool to me (even before he spent Christmas with us). NJ native Eric is nice, but I think he is the owner of his store.

I don’t like complaining without offering a reasonable solution. Hire hot young “groupie –esque” girls to sell guitars. Seriously, this would be a strum of genius. Get rid of the old metal heads that still think Metallica is cool or anyone who knows more than two songs by the band Phish and hire some chicks. Think about it. Would you rather buy a guitar from a dude that is telling you how much like him you could be like or from a chick that is saying, “That guitar looks hot on you”?

Girls were the whole reason why I got into guitars in the first place, ask my wife. Even now I won’t buy a guitar without her saying that it looks hot on me. Music stores need to get back to the basics of Rock.

Guitar Debate

2010-01-07T12:45:00.009-05:00

I am looking to buy a new electric guitar. I have narrowed it down to a few. Please comment and tell me what you like. Don't tell me what you don't like because then you would just be insulting what I like.

Danelectro Hornet - I think it is different looking. I love the lipstick pick-ups. I have had danelectros in the past that I liked.

Epiphone Wilshire - Two humbucker pick-ups. Nice looking. Kind of classy. Play like my Epiphone Les Paul.

Epiphone/Gibson SG - cool looking but it reminds me of Jack Black. Twin humbuckers and feels again like my Epi LP.

Squier/Fender F-hole Telecaster - not as cool looking as the others but has a very special sound to it. I have never had a Squier. The f-hole scares me a bit because of children (mainly Kai).

Squier/Fender Standard Telecaster - I think it is prettier than the one above. It is heavy and solid (which I like).

LET THE DEBATE BEGIN!

Please debate.

Closing Thoughts on the Year that was.

2009-12-28T12:54:00.002-05:00

The year is coming to a close. I thought I might once again grace my blog with some random (extremely random) thoughts. These those were taken over a ten minute period and should only be taken at face value.

I am glad I have a carbon monoxide detector. Before those were invented people used little birds. I don’t like birds, little or otherwise.

Knock knock…cash…cash Hooray! -Kai

When I go to a petting zoo (not often) I observe that the animals are always trying to eat my fingers because they are used to food being there. I say that to state that the real Christmas Miracle is the fact that the animals didn’t eat Baby Jesus.

Why did I capitalize “baby”? Is “Baby Jesus” his formal name?

I believe that Zoey Daschenal and Kate Perry are actually the same person.

Knock knock…hooray…hooray Hooray! -Kai

What purpose did Burl Ives serve in the claymation classic Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer? Seriously, reindeer…check, abominable snowman…check, gay elf…check, crazy old snow-dude singing songs that don’t advance the plot…check.

Y2K10, Y2KX, 2KTen, 2KX, 20X…I wonder which will catch on.

Why do the animals pictured on the package of animal crackers seem so happy? “I am so glad that you are going to eat me.”

If I had invented the shower lupha, I would have named it the shower craig. It makes it sound manlier.

The dude who named the Microsoft word processing application for Office totally got lazy. Word.

Knock knock…boo…boo Hooray! -Kai

Short Christmas Post

2009-12-23T08:42:00.001-05:00

My shopping is done. Now it’s on to wrapping. When my wife reads this, she will see the word wrapping and start beat boxing (rapping) as a form of exploiting a “For Mom’s Only” joke. The thing about wrapping is if you do it the day before or the day of it seems so pointless. Really, I will end up wrapping the presents and less than an hour later, they will be opened. Still, you have to wrap to show that you care enough to wrap (a Christmas rule). This rule doesn’t apply to Birthdays, unless you can wrap a “I’ll pay for dinner”.

At the Seat of Judgment

2009-12-18T11:15:00.002-05:00

I have been serving weeks of jury duty. I must say that it is one of the neatest things you can ever do. There is one thing that concerned me though. I met nice cool people like Jim (a retired dude that made friends with anyone he could – class act) then I met some people that were about as crazy as one can get. This one lady who I will name Sandra – not a real name- was about as schizophrenic as you can be without being committed. She was talking to this group of 5 people in the jury pool. She caught my ear because she was talking about church. 10 minutes later, she is talking about hang a guy even though he got away with murder due to a technicality.
I find that crazy. On the cases I sat on, I was humbled. The defendants were people who made mistakes. I was the one to hand out punishment. I wonder what Jesus would do if he was on a jury in our court system.
The lady (sorta) named Sandra made a bad juror because she didn’t have an open mind and totally lacked compassion. Would Jesus be a bad juror because he would have too much compassion? I am not going to romanticize this too much by say Jesus would ask to be sent to prison in the drug dealer’s place, but I wonder if he would be like, “Let him go this time…he said he won’t do it again.”
God is a Just God. Jesus is totally unjust (aka awesome).

January

2009-12-04T11:03:00.001-05:00

I have been told that January is a month of magic. In fact, you can do anything in the month of January. This is the resolution time. This is the get in shape time. This is the do something new…start running…expire Wednesday service time. You can do anything. If you start a new initiative in life or work, you will have the support of everyone around.

I am making time right now in life to pray and ponder what God would have me do in January. I am inspired by others. Justin Dean and my brother Matt for starting churches, Terry and Cecil for starting to run, even TV shows that start in January. It seems like this time is the time to make decisions.

Every year, I do a little fast as a way of saying that with God I can do anything. I usually try to make this blog light, but I do ask that you pray for me as I start mapping out next year.

Scariest Story Ever Told

2009-11-30T16:15:00.001-05:00

I freaked my daughter out over the weekend. I told her a scary story about an old man that watches her at night while she sleeps. I guess I never realized just how creepy Santa was.

The Santa scam really is a parent indulging effort. It is clearly stated in the song. “You better watch out, you better not cry.” There is nothing disobedient about a child that is crying; we as parents just don’t want to hear it. “You better not pout.” This promotes a culture of double-standards. Most adults I know pout constantly.

The other part of the Santa Clause song is the tone. “Santa Clause is coming to town.” The way the song lays out, it seems like Santa Clause is a monster coming to get you. If you do bad things, Santa is going to come and get you. Correct me if I am wrong, but that is how the song sounds...there isn't a single present suggested. Seriously, if you had Vincent Price reciting this song in a “Thriller-ish” way, it would be frightening.

I know it has been tried previously, but the Santa myth is ripe for a horror movie reboot. Think about this, if I made a list of who I thought was naughty or nice…and the police searched my house and found it. That would be considered probable cause. Borderline serial killer stuff.

Needless to say, I will still continue to lie to my kids about the mythical demon Santa that is just waiting for a chance to throw coal at them as long as it helps them behave. Nothing says Happy Birthday Jesus quite like lying to your kids.

Failed Book Collective

2009-10-26T10:22:00.001-04:00

For some reason when a male gets around the age of 30, he starts to reflect on his long life and realize that he has a vast wealth of wisdom to share with a younger generation. Really, it’s a fear that when he dies, no one will remember him. This causes a psychological need to pursue one of the snobbiest endeavors. Book writing. The issue is none of us are authors. We are smart and have a portion of wisdom. What we all lack is stamina. Books are long. We all start out cranking out chapter after chapter with idea after idea. Then we stop. Did we get it out of our system? Did we run out of coherent thought? Did we read what we had and realized it sucked?

This is my proposal. None of us will ever be published. Really, we all have about one or two good stories. We all have our one or two patented ideas or trademark quote. Let’s get them all together and make a ministry book. No real point, just random ideas about God. Let’s take our best sermons and best essays and put them together. We might…just might be able to get enough information together to make one book. Then we will pay somebody to print and bind it. Then we can each have a copy and be able to say that we are a published author.

Here is the dream here. Maybe it just takes one big push to get the boulder of writing rolling. Kind of like those parents that adopt a kid because they can’t have kids. After they adopt, the pipes start working and they have 6 of their own. Also, maybe one person reads it and thinks. “Wow, God can use anyone.” Tell me your thoughts.. This isn’t confined to just men either. Some of the wisest people I know are women.

“Failed Book Collective” by Various Artist…Forwarded by No One Famous. Illustrated by Stickfigures.

New Blog Post

2009-10-12T13:44:00.002-04:00

This post is just to show that I still keep up with my blog. I just haven't been blogly inspired lately. I went to Catalyst this year. The youth ministry is growing numerically. My wife is wonderful. My son says lots of words (he cried the word "glasses" for an hour because Kristen wouldn't let him hold her glasses). My daughter has a new very gay dance instructor. Life is in that groove right now where the only drama is the drama that we go looking for because of boredom.

He know me (as said by Ernie Sanchez)

2009-09-24T09:22:00.001-04:00

For those who don’t know, my 2 year son is the most active daredevil of a boy I have ever seen. But he doesn’t talk. His speech delay is due to a sensory issue that sometimes happens with C-section babies. We enrolled him in some special speech therapy programs to get everything working right. He is going to be alright…the therapists tell us this all the time. He isn’t autistic or has some long term thing; he just doesn’t talk…yet.

I have watched him in these sessions. The therapists say he is doing well, but I was having trouble seeing the progress…until recently. He is going through the repeating stage. He know can repeat most one syllable words. That is all fine and I know that it is a step, but I have been waiting for him to say a word that he understands. My wish has been coming true. It all started with the word “chip”. I think that is his official first word. This is how it went down.

We were at “El Mexican” restaurant (I don’t remember which one; they are look the same to me). There is free chips and salsa. As always, we hold something in front of Kai and say its name. We said “chip”. He said “chip”, but that is just repeating. Then he grabs a chip and shouts, “chiiiiiipppp!” That is how you know he gets it. He elongates the word.

Since then, he asks for “bananas”, “ice cream”, and of course “chips”. I tell you guys this to give you context of this next story. I met Kristen and the kids for dinner before church. I hadn’t seen them all day (cause I work for a living). Hailey runs up to me and hugged me…nothing new, she is a daddy’s girl (just like her mother). We walked into Capt D’s. I pick up Hailey; Kristen picks up Kai. Kai sees me and points. “Daddy!” That’s me! He knows me. This is big. He knows my name. He knows who and what I am. I was excited all evening. I told everybody.

Then I hear from my son, “All Sing Laid / All Sing Laid / All Sing Laid / All Sing Laid”. For those who haven’t figured it out, that is him singing the Single Ladies song. My son is starting to amaze me. When I was preaching last night, Kai walked up and took the mic and said, “I’m gonna let you finish, but I have to tell you that ‘All Sing Laid’ is the greatest video ever”. The things that boy can say. I love my son Kai.

The Dark Side

2009-09-10T09:28:00.000-04:00

I know I type a lot about TV and movies. I just believe that you can learn a lot about the state of culture by watching what is being marketed to us. Simply put, no one would try to sell us tickets to a show that they don’t believe we will go to. That said, have you been paying attention to the mergers of the major comic-book players and movie studios.

Disney, the house the mouse built, has bought Marvel. Disney says they have the pre-teen and younger girl market wrapped completely up with Hannah Montana and High School Musical. Now they want to capture the Boys 14 and under demo with the likes of Spiderman and the Hulk. My issue with this acquisition is Disney makes things Goofy (every pun intended). Imagine if this buyout took place 8 years ago. Spiderman would have been played by Brendan Frazer and the Green Goblin played by The Rock. The red head Mary Jane would be played by Lindsey Lohan / Hilary Duff. Iron Man would have been played by Chris Klien. Let not leave out the X-man with Magneto being played by Dennis Quaed. Wolverine would be played by The Rock (I swear he is in every Disney movie). They would also use a plucky comedian for like nine different super-heroes…like Ryan Reynolds. This deal has Race to Witch Mountain written all over it.

Today, it was announced that Warner Brothers would take over the DC Catalog. I could make bugs bunny jokes here, but WB (not the Dawson’s Creek channel) has proven itself past cartoons. My issue here is the re-boot overkill they have going on. What is a re-boot? When I hear re-boot, I think “Oh they are going to make it as dark as possible.” Batman is naturally dark (the dark knight), but are they going to make Wonder Woman dark. Superman is a great example of what I predict is going to happen to DC comics. The next Superman movie they do will probably be the Superman is Dead story. That will have to be dark.

I just think it is crazy that we, as the public, want dark. If it was light-hearted, we would think it was cheesy. Why can’t we enjoy happy-fare?

Craig v. Draper

2009-09-04T15:51:00.001-04:00

That title is not a name. The “v” stands for "verses" I have been watching this show called Mad Men. The show is amazing; but I have a few problems with it. They will be detail below in typical Craig’s blog list fashion.

First, the show airs on AMC, formerly known as American Movie Classics. I know this channel well because this was the only channel that my mom would watch when I was growing up. She believed (and she was right) that everything on TV was vulgar, sexually, or had an underlining God-killing message (like materialism). AMC offered old black and white classic movies instead of typical broadcast fare. Because that is all I was allowed to really watch, I learned about older culture and really did develop a healthy understanding of film. I grew up watching Jimmy Stewart, Clark Gable, and Cary Grant. I used to think Irene Dunn was hot. The draw backs were the influence the films had on my sense of humor. I still can be caught saying expressions that haven’t made sense since the 1940’s. For example: “Change the pitch” meaning change the TV station which in the 50’s was done by altering your dial to a different frequency. AMC still plays movies, they just aren’t classic movies. They are in color. They are crap. They came out since 2000AD. Example “Be Cool” staring John Travolta.

Second, I thought this blog was about Mad Men. The show is on the station AMC, but it is not classic nor a movie. It is in fact American. I guess I can be ok with a station that is trying to glorify the Golden Years of our country. Wait a second. This show is not glorifying the days of old. In fact, it is deconstructing the ideal and iconic way of American living in the 1960’s. It is pointing out just how bad (or how the same) culture really was back then, just nobody exposed it. I don’t know if I like my TV shows re-teaching me things like that. I though the 60’s was like Dick van Dyke. I kinda want to believe that it was. Instead, I am learning that people were mean, hateful, and generally terrible back then. Mad Men would have me believe that the Dick Van Dyke show would have really gone like this: Rob is cheating on Laura with Sally. Buddy is gay and in love with Rob but knows that he will loose his job if he ever came out. Rob drinks…a lot. Laura is slowing going crazy because she feels like Rob hates her because never says anything nice.

Thirdly, I have a problem with the hero of this story. Don Draper is a man’s man. He is cool. He is smart. He is powerful. He made it on his own without a single person to thank on the way up. They portray it as a tragedy, because his one fatal flaw that will eventually kill him is his womanizing. I have to call bull crap on this. His fatal flaw is ego. He thinks that he is the stuff. He thinks he can do what ever he wants. They contrast how good he is compared to his father, but in fact they are exactly the same. He isn’t the hero. He is the villain. The really hero of the story is Betty (his wife) who is struggling to do the right thing in the face of adversity. She put her dreams on hold for someone else. She tries to stay strong and noble though it is eating away at her that she is viewed as an afterthought. The real hero of the show is Peggy who made one bad choice and now every choice is made for her. The real hero is Harry (thus far) who has made good on his mistakes and is slowly rewarded for hard work.

Lastly, I have a problem looking at Colin Hanks. He looks like his dad. When he is on screen my thoughts go to Joe verses the Volcano and The Money Pit. He is an alright actor. It feels like when you meet someone that looks like someone you already know. You associate personality traits to them that they haven’t proved true.

Some kind of Zombie

2009-08-12T09:34:00.000-04:00

It is finished. ReAnimate is over. It was a large success – numerically, spiritually, and emotionally. We really put our best foot forward. The changes from last year to this year in the teens were very apparent. Last year, I could get a single teenager to bring a friend. This year, we had about 40 first timers. For a group our size, that is amazing. Of those 40, I think 10 are ones that will stick long term (which is also a great number). There was a first time teen at reAnimate that brought her whole family to church the following Sunday.

The adult leaders were amazing. On Wednesday and Thursday, all I did was preach. It is amazing how much you can put into your preaching when you aren’t exhausted from play drums, doing games, and get video together. I will use these superstars' first names only in order to protect their identity. Thanks go out to Justin, Lacy, Josiah, Kristen, Laura, Luke, Amy, Kevin, Alicia, other Lacy, Chris, Tyler, Andy, Cecil, and Mary Jane. Also thanks go out to Rianna, Morgan, Curtis, and Kyle who all helped set up without being asked. Special thanks go out to Nicole for continuing to push the menu button to the beat of our techno music on the TV remotes to make a cool effect.

The most surprising thing that happened from my point of view was the first annual Black-Out Ball. We held a formal dance in our LiveLoud sanctuary. We replaced the chairs with an all black dance floor. We covered (and I mean covered) our white tile floor with black balloons. We repositioned our lights to shine on the dance floor. We served black cake and black punch. Here are my doubts that I had: I didn’t think anyone would dress up, I didn’t think anyone would dance, and I thought everyone would think it was lame. Every teen put on black. They wore black suits, black dresses, and black skinny jeans (on our punk rock guys). The ladies got their hair done. There were guys in black bow-ties. I thought no one would dance. I was right…until I was wrong. At first, it looked like there was a gender line drawn down the middle of the floor. Then, we played “Beat It” by the late/great MJ. I got everyone’s attention and taught them the famous dance from the video (yes, I taught them how to dance). From that point, the dance looked like a 90’s teen movie prom scene. I really thought it was going to be lame and damage my street cred. I heard this line all through the night, “I was expecting this to be super-lame, but I got to say; I have had a blast.

BTW: This year’s reAnimate didn’t have a single zombie reference. No baby dolls were mutilated during the making of this teen event.

There are pictures on the LiveLoud facebook. Go check it out.

Taking It Personally

2009-08-05T13:09:00.000-04:00

Youth Ministry is a monster. I do it part time – sort of. I have learned that you can’t ever do anything that you love part time. It consumes your thoughts. Have you ever seen that Weight Watchers commercial that have the “Hunger” monster chasing the laid around? That is how I think of youth ministry. I didn’t exactly plan on doing it, but it chased me around for long enough that I had to give it a try. Three years later…

This is our big week at LiveLoud. It is time for reAnimate ’09. In case you don’t know, reAnimate is kind of like a VBS for teenagers. This year’s theme is As Seen of TV. I’ll post pictures of the staging and other things from the event. It’s kind of a big deal.

With that in mind, I was talking to a youth leader as we were setting up chairs. He said, “Do you think we are really going to have this many teens?” How do you answer that? He didn’t mean anything by it. I played it off with a “I sure hope so.” I take it very personally, because reAnimate is an extension of me. Here is the deal. I came up with the idea of doing this event at the same caliber as a major youth conference. I have put so much time and prayer into this event. I have pumped up. Every detail of the thing has somehow gone through me. If you are one of my teenagers reading this right now, you are already saying; “It ain’t about you/” That is true.

ReAnimate is not about me. I got that, but it is from me (as in my heart). This thing is for teens to meet God for the first time. I take any criticism to heart; because how important the teens are to me. Think of it this way. Imagine that God gave you an assignment. Success with that assignment is important, and if it fails because of your lack of effort or your attitude towards it, you are less of a man (or man of God).

I am a deeply flawed individual. On the day I meet God face to face, he is going to be so much holier than me. I know that I can’t compare to him, but at least I will be able to say I tried to do what he told me to do. ReAnimate isn’t the whole package, but it’s what I can do, now.

Needless to say, don’t be diss’N this event. If you don’t like it, I’m sorry. It’s the best I can offer.

As Gay as it Gets

2009-07-24T09:22:00.001-04:00

This blog might be controversial.

I was listening to my iPod while at work. If I am doing brainless stuff, I listen to talk radio. If I am programming or designing, I listen to music. The thing is, I can't listen to new music or complex music. It gets my brain thinking to much. I have to listen to stuff that is very familiar. I have a playlist designed just for that.

"Jitterbug...jitterbug." The song Wake me Up by Wham! came on my iPod. I have heard it a thousand times, but this time it seemed especially gay. Seriously, how did anyone not know this guy was gay. "Take me dancing tonight." What straight guy wants to go dancing? Even the horn section in the song is gay sounding...like a Broadway revival of Rent...or Springtime for Hitler. I have heard songs about being gay that were less gay sounding than that song.

I am not gay bashing hear. I somehow feel compelled to say that I have a gay friend (he sits with all my other minority friends). Because I am a Christian, I am supposed to hate all things gay, and I don't. I like my George Micheals and Elton John. I even have a man crush on the ultimate Bro...Barney Stienson portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris (NPH). Only a gay guy could point out the flaws of over masculinity like that. I know people (whom I won't drag out of the closet) that hate the gay culture, but I have caught them laugh at Will and Grace.

Let the Right One Blog

2009-07-07T12:23:00.000-04:00

During the summer, there is nothing on TV. So every summer, me and Kristen get a membership to Netflix or Blockbuster. With blockbuster, it allowed us to exchange our movies at the store and get another movie. This was too cool so Blockbuster put an end to it. Netflix is what we have now. It allows us to watch stuff using my Xbox 360 for free. What does my wife put in the queue to watch…Family Ties. I enjoy Alex P Keaton as much as anybody. We watched the entire first season in about 4 days. It was fun. But slightly less fun is the movie we watched last night.

My wife loves vampire stuff. It started with Interview with a Vampire (awesome) and it has grown into a full blown obsession with the Twilight series. If you follow my blog, you can see my previous discussions on Eddy the dashing fangman. Well, we decided to watch a movie called Let the Right One In. It too was about a budding romance between a human and vampire, but they were both 12. They were also homely (unlike the straight from the CW studs in Twilight). The film was also shot like an indie film and the story played out like a coming of age love story with a character that just happens to be a vampire.

I liked the movie, but I find it hard to recommend. It was well done and character driven, but it had cussing in it. The film was in Dutch; therefore, you never really heard the potty words, but you got to read them. Cussing in French has been equated to “using silk as toilet paper”, but cussing in Dutch sounds like cussing even when a cuss word isn’t used.

Regardless, vampires are really fashionable right now. I wonder what it would be like for other monsters to become vogue…like say the blob. It would be cool to see a major heart-throb try to make that sexy. Think about it.

After reading my own post, I realize that this is the most scatter-brained ever.

The way to win

2009-06-16T17:38:00.000-04:00

The following is not pleasant, but it is truthful. What I am about to day is in opposition to everything you have ever learned from PBS and Disney. I feel strongly about it, but I didn’t get the idea from the Bible, so I don’t know if it is Biblical. “To do something truly visionary, you have to do it by yourself.” Every person that you share a dream with is a potential dream killer (or at least a dream polluter). Because that “friend” cares about you, they want you to be safe. Safe sucks.

Think of it like this: if you are down by one point on a True/False trivia game verses 6 other people that answer concurrently and the answer to the next/last question is obviously false, the only answer that will help you win is “true”. Otherwise, everyone’s score advances incrementally and progress is not made. Answering with the most likely wrong answer still gives you a chance to win because the crowd will choose the other. If you are right and the others are wrong, you will advance. If you answer the same way as everyone else, you are assured defeat.

Another example is on the Price is Right. The bidding prize is something like a grandfather clock. The first three people bid and the last person thinks that they all bid too high and bids $1. That person thinks they have done the smartest think, but in fact they have just done the “safest” thing. Bob Barker (or Drew Cary) starts to read the actual retail price, but a little bell rings signifying that one of the contestants has bid the exact price. I have always wondered what thought is going through the $1 dudes mind. Surely the clock doesn’t retail for $1.

Last one, a football team is up by 6 with 2 minutes remaining in the game. The other team has the ball with 90 yards remaining to travel. The leading team switches to a “prevent” defense. I watch a lot of football and I have never seen this work. The prevent defense is the dumbest thing ever. Keep in mind that the team is currently leading the game because they have been able to stop the other team on other occasions. Wouldn’t the best thing to do here be keeping doing what put you in the lead? Playing not to lose really means daring the other team to win.

Needless to say, be careful of whose opinions you solicit. Nothing good was ever envisioned at a committee meeting. They always look for the safest idea. There are even the people who wear that stigma as a badge of honor. They call themselves “the Rational One”. I got a name for them: “The Panzy One”.

Talking Heads

2009-06-08T14:34:00.000-04:00

I have had very eventful couple of weeks. My bank account was hijacked by terrorist ($6000 worth of charges to places like Amand Airlines). There was a crazy situation at church that I’m not even allowed to blog about. My son has hearing problems. There is big news that isn’t public yet, so I can’t talk about. The Liveloud room was finally painted (not as big a deal as the others). My last Friday was the strangest yet.

I keep my friends for a long time. There are intentional friends that I have that I use to learn from (these are like old sage-like guys). The others are friends that God gave me. They are the best friends ever. They are like family. On Friday, one of them got herself in a world of hurt. First, there is the physical hurt. She is in serious pain. She will walk away from this, but she won’t be walking away any time soon. Second, she is hurting in finances. She has, at this point, lost everything. On the day she walks out of the hospital, she will most likely not have two dimes to rub together. Next, there are some legal issues. They will work themselves out. Lastly, she has some reputation problems now. Her neighbors will not be glad to see her when she returns. Her name was in the paper and on the news. Thank God nobody got a picture of her.

Here is a problem that she doesn’t have. Message boards. News station message boards are absolutely amazing. They are about as stupid as political advice by celebrates. These message boards are for people to comment on news stories. I use the term “people” loosely. When you write something in this semi-anonymous form, you are doing two things. Since no one really knows who you are, you tend to take on the personality that you wish you had. The crazy part is that no one on these message boards ever wishes they were quieter or humbler. Instead, they try to be the most outrageous and fanatical. This is all good fun on a sports team message board; but when you see these posts on important news items, it becomes really scary. I have no problem with commenting that UK is going to dominate UL because Coach Cal’s stunning recruiting class. My problem starts when you say some one should be given lethal injection for a crime that doesn’t even carry a 2 year prison sentence. I wonder if CatFan1949 would be so hard on my friend if his son was the guilty party.

The other thing that anonymous web posting does is it makes these people look bad. They are giving their opinions (heavy duty opinions) and then disappearing. It is like walking up to a girl that is badly burned, kicking her, running behind a rock to hide, and then peeping over to see if anyone reacted. At least of my heavily opinionated blog and post my name for anyone to read. Cowards!

The worst part of these message boards is even more camouflaged. When you read the slightest bit of detective eyes, you can decipher who these people are. They are soccer moms and old men. They are church members. Thanks God, not my church. My church welcomes anybody that needs Christ; we don’t welcome people that think they are better than Christ. Given the choice between a girl that made a mistake that she will live with forever or the soccer mom who is so holy that her poop glows in the dark; keep the illuminated dookie and give me the flawed.

That’s just my opinion. I'll let the Talking Heads talk. Their just heads; they are "no body".
–Craig Monyhan.

Land of the Lost

2009-06-04T09:22:00.001-04:00

Will Farrell has a new movie coming out. It is based off of the old Saturday Morning TV show Land of the Lost. Although Will Farrell isn’t really funny…ever, I am hopeful for the movie. I do wonder though, who is lost in the movie. By the title alone, one might assume that the “land” is lost. This is to imply that this is a place that has been forgotten. They are simultaneously in the past and in the future. The word lost in this case substitutes for the word “forgotten”.

As a Christian, the word “lost” means something totally different. It is a term used to say that someone has not come to a saving knowledge of Christ yet. I just can figure out why that means “lost”. Let’s suppose that I was flown to France. While there, I start walking down the street looking for a Bistro (isn’t that a French Restaurant). I don’t know where I am going because I have never been there before. On top of that, I can’t find what I am looking for. The bottom line is, I know that I have lost my way. I also kind of expected not being absolutely sure where I was going. To me, that is not the meaning of lost; that is directional ignorance.

The same goes with non-Christians. If they have never experienced God before or if they had never heard of Christ, it is easily concluded that they will not believe.

“Lost”, from my perspective, is thinking that you are somewhere you are not. If I was driving through Arkansas but thought I was in Holland that would mean I was “lost”. Non-Christians that are searching for something will eventually find it. What do you call someone who thinks that they have found it? I call them “Lost”. They sit in our pews weekly, but they really don’t understand. They have a picture of Jesus that is so distorted that they wouldn’t even be able to pick Jesus out of a police line up.

They see Jesus as someone who came to Earth to make us rich. They see Jesus as someone that came to Earth to give them super powers (prophecies, super knowledge, and tongues). They see Jesus as an asset that they utilize for their personal glory. The thing is…we are a part of God’s story. Jesus came to Earth to show off how compassionate He is that He would care for a lowly sinner like me. We are merely lucky to count as part of His story.

What to you expect?

2009-06-02T13:51:00.001-04:00

It is that time again. It is time for the MTV movie awards. Along with celebrating crappy movies (except Twilight – it was a great piece of film making) comes the Christian blogosphere lamenting their disgust. That means it is time for me to repeat a reoccurring sentiment. The good news is I only get to say this twice a year (once for the MTV movie awards and again for the MTV video music awards).
A popular Christian blog guy once again wrote his critic. He expressed his disappointment about all the pixilated male nudity (I guess he didn’t want it pixilated). He then spoke about the moral decline of society. Every year he writes this, and every year the article starts the same way: “I watched the MTV whatever Awards last night.” He then uses MTV as the thermometer for teen culture. Then he talks about what was vulgar and what went too far. I must say, he just doesn’t get it.
If MTV didn’t attempt to shock and go as far as possible, they won’t be MTV. What do you expect from MTV? When I was a teenager, I watched MTV too see what Howard Stern would do next. I watched to see if anyone would use the f-bomb. I watched to hear as many sexual jokes as possible. Why would you expect anything else? I commend MTV for staying true to who they are. Making a big deal about how vulgar MTV will only advertise for free how funny it is to teenagers. For example:
There was a song that a rap artist put out on the radio call “Baby Got Back”. The song was not popular. Then MTV banned the video because it was too vulgar. Everybody made a big deal out of it. The video featured Sir Mix a Lot standing on a big stage that was humped and butt-like. Now it is a mega all-time fit.

The Movie Awards, I didn’t watch. I just downloaded the “New Moon” trailer the next day. Anything that is produced by the network that does the show MADE, is something I will avoid. Seriously, I would gather drink hemlock or watch Gossip Girl.

News

2009-05-28T14:02:00.000-04:00

Exciting News coming soon...no Kristen isn't preggers (been there, done that).

River Cities gots Tallent

2009-05-11T14:17:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of things that can be considered great achievements in youth ministry. There is the ultimate goal of leading young people in worship and to a growing salvation in Christ. There is the numbers game of growing to a certain size. There is the youth room solidification effort that means little in the long run but is a total momentum builder. But there is one thing that is over looked when it comes to youth pasturing. This is an art that many of us do not have, and we have to find people to help us.

The art form that I mention is the art of fund raising. I have never come up with an original idea for fundraising that actually worked. Even with non-original ideas, I fall way short. That said, this past weekend, our ministry hosted a talent show. We made bank. I was amazed. It wasn’t my idea nor did I really put it together. The important thing is that we made money. Thanks belong to Melissa Manning and my wife.

We had magic, dog training, and Broadway. We laughed; we cried. We had older people (above 40) and younger people (below 5). We gave out trophies. My daughter sang; she got better scores that people twice as tall. She might just be the next Hannah Montana. I guess makes me the next Billy Ray. We had a great time. This will end up being a yearly staple on our calendar.

I just wanted to brag.

Missed USA

2009-04-22T12:14:00.001-04:00

Miss California is under attack for here answer to the Perez Hilton question at the Miss USA pageant. Whether or not she is right or wrong by standing on a public stage and saying what she believes is not the real travesty here. There are much more important issues.
Nobody watched the pagent. That is a cause for concern. These things should be a big deal. Young girls parading around in a manner that asks for you to judge who is prettier. Why doesn’t the whole world watch this?
What is Perez Hilton? Why is ?HE? a judge? I think he is a gay man, but I am not sure because I have never actually seen or heard of him before. That begs the question, what does a gay man know about pretty girls. Isn’t that like asking me to pick which guy is cutest? I wouldn’t know. I only judge them based off of how much they look like me. Therefore, my son is a total stud.
During the “backlash” of all this wrong answer scandal one can see the real effect on the world of Twitter. All of a sudden, celebrities get a voice that people follow. It has become a trend so quickly that Law and Order hasn’t even done an episode about it yet. I don’t care what Miley has to say about it. Or what Heidi (who ever that it). Miley is at least famous (she is on lunchboxes, which is the way I determine a persons level of fame). But the Heidi lady, I have no clue about. Twitter is so un-personal. How do we know that it is Miley saying things on it anyway? I have an assistant write my blog, why could Miley. I have learned in life that the more you talk the less people listen, my blog evidence again. For this reason, I read every text message I get from my dad.
I love it when people say that they “believe” in gay marriage. Really, do you “believe” it? Gay marriage is not ghost. You don’t need to believe in it. It just is. Maybe they mean by believing they are encouraging it. Like, “Come on ‘gay marriage, you can do it, I believe in you.” But the Twitter bugs let everyone know that they believe in it. I believe in water bottles. I believe it iPods. I don’t believe in squirrels.
The pageant added these celebrities (as in people who will be on next season’s Dancing with the Has Been) to make it more interesting. I have an idea of how to make it interesting. Have the vote go to the audience via online. Better yet, do the whole American Idol thing with it. Have Simon judge the beauty pageant like he does the vocalist. “I’m sorry, your nose hooks like Mike Tyson”. “Obama called, he wants his ears back”. That would be fun to watch, then have a pop quiz with questions from Are you smarter that a fifth grader. That would be a show worth the time to watch.
To Perez Hilton, who ever you are, lets stand you in a bikini in front of the world while asking you about abortion and gun control. That would get me watching too.

Y birth DAY?

2009-03-31T16:42:00.000-04:00

Here is my thought. Every year I get a call from my mother-in-law on my birthday. She wishes me happy birthday (which I appreciate). Then she asks me if I feel any older. How can this one day somehow magically make me feel older? Is it really any different than any other days? But if you don’t feel older on your birth day, than how and when do you feel old?

I think we should celebrate age at the times we really feel like we are aging. For instance, when I turned 16, I should have celebrated on the day I got to drive for the first time – which technically happened 17 months after that birthday. I should have celebrated my 21 birthday when I voted for the first time. That happened two years after that birthday.

It seemed so encouraging that these milestones come well after my birthday. It somehow makes me feel younger…that is until the situation started to reverse. I felt 25 on the day my daughter was born (a year too soon). I felt 43 when a girl in my youth group didn’t know who Alanis Moresette was. I felt 36 when I sat in a doctor’s office asking about hair restoration surgery.

So today is my 28 birthDAY, but does that mean anything...not really. So when did I feel 28 you ask? I will answer with last Sunday, when I blew out my elbow doing a push up.

The Great Green Room

2009-02-23T17:20:00.001-05:00

I was reading my son the book “Goodnight Moon” last night. The story is a riveting tale about a little child (some presume a bunny) telling his room and all it’s contents goodnight. My son can’t read yet nor does he even understand what is being said; but he is still amazed by my speaking and page turning. Kai (my son) totally misses the point of the story. This little bunny boy is coming to grips with the fact that though he maybe closing his eyes and sleeping, his room is still there. The room is unchanged or unfazed by the boy and his slumbers. The room serves as a reminder to the reader that life does not revolve around one singular person; and that there will always be an old lady whispering “hush”. Even though you might not be able to control those issues, you can control yourself and put your worries to rest for the night. Kai misses the fact that sometimes the best way to deal with your surroundings is to just say “Goodnight”. This is an important lesson to learn, and to master said lesson will help you be better adjusted to changes. Maybe I am reading a little too much into the story. I tend to do that. Sometimes I get myself all bent out of shape because I think someone is antagonizing me. I find myself thinking that the whole world is conspiring against me. I find that whatever I am passionate for; someone else is always passionately against (or passionately indifferent or apathetic).

I'm in Love with Obama

2009-01-20T13:08:00.001-05:00

I am not a Republican. Those who know me know that I once was. I defected to the Libertarian Party about 6 years ago. I line up closer with the Libertarian Party than the Republican Party. With that in mind, there is one other reason why I stopped being Republican. The blindness of the Conservative Christian voter drives me so crazy I avoid getting in any conversation or conflict around the topic. I love conflict if it brings with it a deeper understanding; however, with certain Conservatives – there is no understanding. They have chosen their one topic (abortion) and voted according to who the supposed Pro-Life guy is. For that, these “Christians” take on a lot of non-Christian ideas. What are these ideas? No gun control, no helping of the poor, no immigration (stems from racism), no medical science advancement, no health care for kids, and no fairness doctrines for people deemed “sinners”.

I watched the newly inaugurated President Obama give his first presidential speech today. I must say I am hopeful. This guy will do things that I will not like. He will expand government to a record amount. This guy might cut spending to military defense. I am still hopeful, because I believe that he loves this country. I believe that he will take this position of leadership to heart. I believe he will try to put political squabbles to the side and work for the best good.

I did not vote for Obama, but God did. Romans 13 says that all authority is established by God. He is in the highest office of our nation because God wants him there. That gives me a secure feeling. I have faith that when God needs to speak to our President, he will listen.

I think we should celebrate the inauguration of Obama instead of the birthday of Martin Luther King. King fueled a revolution (important), but the election of Obama by the entire country signifies the beginning of the end of the Civil Rights movement. King was murdered for his beliefs, but by Obama live as the leader of the free world, the United States can say that the days of our country being racist are over.

However, I hope this day of Obama’s inauguration becomes less and less significant over the years. I hope that my kids will ask me what the big deal was.

Youth Ministry in a Nutshell

2009-01-08T12:55:00.002-05:00

"How did I find myself in this ridiculous and 'not-that' hip nutshell?"

I have found that youth ministry is at odds with a verse in the Bible. The verse is in proverbs and it goes something like this, "Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they grow up they will not depart from it." I grew up in youth ministry. I was 'trained up.' I never departed from it...not really. Everyone else did. I will give a good estimation of 90% of teenagers that were in the same youth groups as I growing up DID in fact depart from it. Some later returned to it, but they still departed.

Now as a youth minister, I am faced with the inevitable truth that some of the teens that I preach to and create strategic relationships with for the purpose of growing their faith - will depart from it. I have watched it happen to some already. I am sure that it will happen to others. By the way, it happens to the kids you wouldn't expect it to.

One youth minister friend of mine wonders what the point of youth ministry is. That person always takes it personally when people leave or change. I have news for you Mr. Anonymous Youth Minister Person. There is a point. Youth ministry creates a haunting effect on those who have been a part of it. They can't escape it. When their life sinks into the crapper, they will be haunted by the songs they sang during praise and worship. When they feel like the world is against them, they will remember when they felt like they were conquering the world for Jesus. When they feel like they have no one to turn to, they will lament about a time when they would turn to God and actually believe that he would take care of them.

I have proof. I have watch it time and again. When a 20 something (sometimes 30 something) is going through a rough time, they go back to the church they had youth group at. They try to find the one friend they thought would never fall away from God. At my church, there are several young adults that pop their head in just to take a breath of remembrance.

To anyone belonging to my youth ministry - if you 'depart from it', I will always help you 'arrive back to it'. To any friend from Club J, Dixie Valley, or Evangel Christian School - if you 'departed', I will help you 'return'. Think of me as a spiritual version of an ex-girlfriend from your younger days that you feel the need to talk about how things might have been.

Kid Shopping

2008-12-23T15:30:00.001-05:00

Today, I took my daughter (close to 4 years old) and my son (close to 1 year and 4 months old) shopping to buy my wife/their mother (close to 26 years old) a Christmas gift. I got Kristen something nice, and I could get something for her and tell her it is from the kids; but there is something about getting a gift from a child. Kids know you better than you think they do. I let Hailey navigate through the Dollar store to get something. She picked out things and explained what mommy can do with them. She was mostly looking for things that she felt mommy needed. After Hailey was done shopping, I let Kai out of his cage. The first item he would touch would be the item I bought. I let him loose on the floor of the toy department. He walk straight towards a nerf dart set, but never touched it. Instead, he high tailed it out of the toy department and went straight to the ______ department. I can’t say where because that will take away the surprise for Kristen (who reads this blog religiously). We will open them tomorrow morning as a family before we embark on the hectic Christmas rush.

Kids are smart. We as adults think that we are so much smarter than they are. We are wrong. I have broken down the differences between grownups and kids so you (the readers) can decide which one you are (maybe which one I am for that matter).

Kids love toys. They are intrigued with flashy colors and blinking lights. When they wake up, they play. They spend their entire day searching for things to play with and ways to be entertained. At night, they don’t want to go to sleep because they are not thinking about tomorrow and the impact not sleeping will bring. If they are not playing, they are not happy.

Kids are seduced by every little marketing ploy imaginable. Would anyone really eat Captain Crunch cereal if it wasn’t for the advertising? Seriously, it lacerates the top of your mouth as you eat it. Toys are presented as got to have items that are the only thing standing in your way of being cool.

Kids are always looking for the quickest way out of their current unpleasant circumstance. They have absolutely no regard for anyone else in the room. They tend to be selfish and expect other people to work to make them happy. They will cry when things don’t work out the way they think they should, and they hate when someone tells them “no”. They pretend to be people and things that they aren’t. They are quick to repeat bad behavior if it means they can get what they want.

Like I said before, there aren’t very many differences between grownups and kids. The only real one is spelling.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (longest blog post ever)

2008-12-12T10:52:00.003-05:00

Hollywood, in their infinite wisdom, decided a few years ago to stop writing new ideas and just re-imagine old ideas. By “re-imagine” I mean “re-a-tard” old ideas. Very seldom have I watched a remake of an old movie and thought, “Wow! That was so much better”. I am bringing this up because “The Day the Earth Stood Still” is one of my Dad’s favorite movies, and I have full confidence that the new re-make is got to be terrible. This blog post will be in two parts today: Part one, the worst remakes ever; Part two, movies they will try and fail to remake.

The Planet of the Apes – The original had Charlie Heston (aka Moses). It had a famous line, “Get your hands off of me you d*** dirty ape!” It had the surprise ending (the planet was Earth in the future). The apes looked silly, but it was ok to use your imagination. The new one was terrible (otherwise it wouldn’t be grouped here). The apes looked real. The action was intense, but the movie was boring and had no emotion. Bad idea all around.

The Nutty Professor – The original starred, was directed, was written, and produced by Jerry Lewis. It was sharp, it was original, and it was a satire of current issues of the time. The new one was a big hit for Eddie Murphy. He took all of the smart and original humor of the original and turned it into a 2 hour fat joke. While I am on the topic, Eddie Murphy has never done anything worth watching. If I were watching Shrek today, I would fast forward past any part that stupid donkey talks.

The Poseidon Adventure – The original was crazy tense. It was a fun adventure of travelling through an upside-down ship. Yes there was death; but at the end of the movie, you let out a big “Hooray”. The new one was also crazy tense; but with all remakes, they go too far with the tenseness. They also go too far with the people dying. Finally, it was too late. We have already seen a sinking ship as good as it gets with a remake that turned out pretty good (Titanic). Anything after Kate Winslet saying, “I’ll never let you go” falls short when it comes to ship sinking movies.

Here is my list of movies they better not touch. I am using the writing form of pleading to Hollywood.

Hollywood, please don’t remake any movie on this little list. “Twelve Angry Men” can never be done with the intensity that it was done back then. I know what you guys are thinking. You want to call it “Twelve Angry Citizens” and use women and minorities all trying to work together to find the truth. You want to change it to be a high profile murder of a white cop and a black drug dealer. Just don’t go there, unless you use Spike Lee…no stop…just don’t do it.

I know that “Gone with the Wind” was the biggest money maker in history, but please have restraint. You will never ever, ever never find the right actors for those roles. If you make it, it will suck. The only person I could see directing it correctly would be Mel Gibson (Braveheart and the Patriot prove that he could do a period war piece well). Luckily for Clark Gable, Hollywood hates Mel Gibson right now.

Do not remake Revenge of the Nerds. Of every movie mentioned on this list, I would bet this is the closest to becoming reality. The movie is over 20 years old. It would be cheap to make. You could use no name actors. You could be raunchier than you could be in the 80’s. But as with every remake, you will use the premise of the movie and totally miss the charm of the movie. Plus, what would you do about the Lamar Latrel character. He was only a “nerd” because he was gay and black (with a limp-wristed throwing style).

Other movies I am begging you not to remake are: “The Wizard of Oz” (you’ve tried it three times already), Blade Runner, The Graduate, Barefoot in the Park, American Graffiti, and Smoky and the Bandit (haven’t you learned your lesson from Dukes of Hazard).

Just invent a new idea. Take a page out of the Pixar book (except WallE does look a little too much like Johnny 5). They seem to always have something original and they always have critical and box office hits. My next letter to Hollywood will be about these superhero movies.

Fasting

2008-12-10T10:06:00.001-05:00

I am not writing this to toot my own horn, but I usually writing about what is going on in my life. I am currently in a three day fast. There are several reason for me fasting. The first is I want something to change in my job: I switch departments, my boss switch departments, or everything just be bearable some how. I liked my job until last year, then I got put in this department that drives me crazy. The other reason for the fast is for my spiritual growth. I am working on believing in things that I haven’t really believed in before.

I went to the fasting church growing up. They fasted for everything. The pastor wrote several books on fasting, and even now he is the leading expert of spiritual fasting. I just never got it. I also had never really done it before. I always did the sissy fasts. There isn’t anything wrong with these types of fasts; but for me, I was doing it because I was a sissy. The Daniel’s fast, aka the baked potatoes and bean burrito fast, was one that I have done several times; but it did nothing for me. It did nothing because it cost me nothing. I was still eating and eating things that I liked. The TV fast was another favorite of mine. They only lasted until the next big sporting event. I could always watch reruns of my favorite shows, but sporting events are only aired once.

The interesting thing about this full fast is I feel different. I feel in control and focused. I do feel hungry, but it is controllable. I have also taken extra time to read my Bible and pray. The wildest part about this fasting thing is extra effort I take in my daily life to do the right thing. Because I am hungry, I could be snippy with people; but I am being extra careful. I am taking more time to hold my kids. I want my wife to be sure that I care about her. If I was just going hungry to go hungry, this would be pointless. I am still waiting for the God to working in my favor concerning work. What if the key is a change in me? I am waiting to see the supernatural and spiritual impact of all of this. As for now, I see the physical and emotion benefits of it.

New Story

2008-12-05T16:03:00.003-05:00

I am working on a new short story. I havn't decided how to end it. Strike that - I have written about 4 different endings. I can't decide if I'm going to share it with you guys out there in internet land. But I still need your help.

If God were going to draw something, what would he draw? The picture needs to be simple with a lot of straight lines and no shading. Please post ideas. And no crosses. Seriously, if I was God and my son suffered on the cross the way jesus did, I would cry every time I saw one after that. Plus, I tried that ending already and it was lame.

Fast Times at Monyhan's Brain

2008-11-25T16:32:00.000-05:00

Apparently more people read my blog than those that comment about my blog (or at least that is what I tell myself). My blog gives the appearance that I clearly assess a topic and make concise comments about it. This is not true. My mind works in such a random way that can not be explained; it can only be witnessed. The next few lines are the thoughts (as they happen) that are going through my mind. 3….2….1…..Go.

My computer isn’t working. Vista totally sucks. Why won’t it work with my router? I am such a computer poser. I have a computer engineering degree but can’t set up a wireless network. I pretend to be a PC guy, but Mac is totally growing on me. Maybe I should switch to Linux, then I can be snobby to both PCs and Mac’s.

Everlasting Gobstoppers are totally false advertising. I just bit all the way through that last one.

90 degree turns make me sneeze.

Why do some people love there job so much. Seriously, go home to your wives; they miss you. I can’t leave until you leave.

I wonder how many people start blogs but only post once. I could probably found out by doing a Google search on “First Blog!!!” That always seems to be the title of their singular post.

Ah, a green one. Gobstoppers are one of several candies that are made in different colors but taste exactly the same. M&Ms are probably the most significant of that list. I always thought the brown ones were chocolatier.

I think I might tape my cell phone and iPod together and tell people I got an iPhone.

I hope Thanksgiving is fun this year. We only have to go to one place, two if you count home as a place. At Nana’s house, I will probably watch football. Then, when we go home, I will try to get my uncles to play Rockband. Me and Kristen have a bet going as to which uncle will complain that the toy guitars don’t really play like real ones. The truth is, it will be what ever uncle picks up the guitar first. I swear I am nothing and everything like them.

I wonder what would be easier to train: a golden retriever or a teenager. When a golden retriever figures out what you want it to do, it tries to impress you. When a teenager figures out what you want it to do, it tries to find out how to rebel. You can however trick a teenager into thinking they are doing a rebellious thing when they are do the right thing.

I totally should have invented the sticky rolly lent brush.

I can’t remember if turkey is the aphrodisiac or puts you to sleep. Regardless, there will be sleeping after consumption.

Now that Kristen has seen the Twilight movie, maybe she will be into me again. I think she would be impressed by my baseball skills.

The Netflix thing on my xbox really needs some good titles. Or they should just change the advertisement to say, “12,000 movies that no one wants to see.” Or “12,000 movies that you could see for free on TBS”.

Orange colored fruity candy should theoretically always taste like oranges. I think that is the only orange colored fruit. Plus, I don’t think carrot flavored jolly ranchers would catch on.

This list is long. I hope none of my readers make obnoxious comments about how long this post is.

Why does my son cuss? He can only say, “Da da”, “banana”, and “s%&$”. It’s not like he heard it from someone in the family. My uncles only come over for Thanksgiving and they haven’t even play Rockband yet.

I kept this open on my computer during a whole day. These were my thoughts. Actually, it was only open for about a half an hour.

Miss Independent

2008-11-10T13:27:00.001-05:00

According to my mother, I was a super independent kid. I was the child that rationed out my Halloween candy to maximize my daily candy consumption and to mitigate candy outages until Easter. I remember charging my dad a premium on a loan that he took from my Alvin and the Chipmunks bank (which never jingled because once I had a dollars worth of change, I would upgrade to the paper money equivalent). I determined when I would shower. I also had to learn early how to dress myself, to avoid my dad choosing my apparel (that’s two knocks to my father thus far in this blog – he’s the greatest even if he is a fashion illiterate man that steals money from his kid’s cartoonish bank).

I said all of that to tell you about my daughter. We were sitting at Fazoli’s. It was pretty busy and I had a lot of the church teenagers with me. I ordered, and they handed me a buzzer. Hailey loves to take responsibility of the buzzer. I take both of my kids to our table. Kristen went to the restroom, and I tell a teen to keep an eye on my kids while I get our drinks. When I get back to the table, Hailey is missing. I look around and call her name. She was sitting at the table with the other adult leaders. Our food was there and Hailey was eating her pizza. According to youth leaders, they saw her showing the Fazoli’s worker where to put the food. The buzzer must have sounded, and Hailey took it to the worker and instructed her to follow.

She is three. She goes potty herself (which I’m all for). She entertains herself. She can dress herself. Once we found her clothes lay out all over the floor in her room. When asked, she said she was looking for something to wear. We made mommy breakfast in bed Saturday; Hailey cracked open the eggs (better than I can; no left over shell bits).

I have tried to make my daughter independent. I think it’s important to be able to care for yourself, but I fear I have created a monster. I wonder if it wasn’t for I was the source of income, would she even need me at all.

Obama Nation

2008-11-05T17:04:00.000-05:00

I kissed my wife goodbye as I left for work this morning. Unfortunately, the world will come to an end before I make it home. Barrack Obama was elected President; and if my email isn’t lying to me, the world is supposed to end now. I can not believe that our nation that is supposedly under God could vote for a man that feeds off of the souls of children and ritualistically kills puppies.

Did you hear that he isn’t even eligible to be President?

I also saw a documentary that scientifically shows how his DNA contains the Muslim gene that was passed on from his father. He must be the AntiChrist.

The first thing that man is going to do in office is appoint Al Sharpton to secretary of State (or Jesse Jackson to the department of castration).

He will have the government secretly implant GPS tracking devices in all of the potato chips in the world so when you eat them he will be able to give your location to his terrorist friends.

My man Bob Barr didn’t have a chance, but I voted for him anyway. I will be watching this Obama guy closely. He is very crafty. He speaks well. He seems like a guy I would love to have dinner with; and he wants to create a playoff system for college football. But I will not be fooled like the masses. I will trust the information that I received from a very reliable email forward.

Romantic Programming

2008-09-30T10:33:00.000-04:00

I am doing some Unix scripting today at work. Usually when I work, I listen to podcast on my iPod mini. A usual podcast lasts about 40 min, so it makes my day go by faster. The topics on this podcasts are usually sports, news, Bible reading, fantasy football, and social-economic commentaries. Since the stock-market is crashing and my favorite players on my fantasy football team are injured, I have decided to listen to music.

My itunes collection isn’t as robust as most peoples. I have approximitly 4000 songs. That sounds like a lot, but then you will relieze after scanning through the artist that I have a total of 200 (out of 4000 – 5%) songs that were recorded in this decade. I stopped buying CD’s after I discovered Napster. I stopped downloading after they shut down the good ones. I am too cheap to pay $1 a song. In turn, I have no new music.

To exacerbate the issue, my iPod is a 4 gig model. After my podcasts and my Beatles collection, I have very little room for anymore music. I have to choose which additional playlist I want. I chose today (the day that I would listen to music) to add the Hip-Hop playlist.

This is how it went. “No Diggity” by Blackstreet followed by nothing but Boys 2 Men. Apparently I own very little Hip-Hop music. Please note that I love Boys 2 Men, but there is one problem with programming to their ballads. I am becoming emotionally involved with my program. I didn’t even notice it until the bassy sounding guy started to talk. “Girl, I’m her for you. All those times at night when you just hurt me and when out with that other guy. Baby, I knew about it, I just didn’t care. You just don’t understand how much I love you, do you?” Not remotely close to programming music.

When you program, rock music is a must. Aggressive music helps you concentrate on dominating the computer. You are supposed to tell the machine what to do. You need to show it who is boss. If you let it see how you really feel, it will never take anything you type seriously. You don’t abuse the program; you just remind it that you are the only one in this relationship that can think for yourself.

The Grandpa TV

2008-09-25T14:30:00.003-04:00

Grandpa, Grandma, and I were having lunch at their house. Grandpa had several medical issues (a couple of quadruple bypasses), but that didn’t really slow him down. Gout was his current battle and it kept him from walking on certain days. On this day he asked me and grandma what we thought about him buying a new car. I didn’t really know that much about cars, but he had helped me once repairing my old Beetle, so he had utilized car stories as a means of connecting with me. I think he wanted one of the newly redesigned T-Birds. He had the money. He had more money than what he knew what to do with.

He also wanted a TV…a big TV. He liked to watch sports (and a secret love of American Idol). Since I was a young guy, I supposedly knew and loved electronic. Again, Grandpa wanted to impress me a little. Well, of the two things he wanted at the time, Grandma told him he could only buy one (even though he could pay cash for both and not feel a thing). With this decision, Grandpa asked me what I would do. Easy, I would spend the least amount of money possible. I would buy the TV. Plus, he would go on to use that TV everyday he was at home for the rest of his life.

Indeed, the sad part, the rest of his life was only a few more years. During that time I came over and watched games with him. The TV was giant, but he still felt the need to read me the score and stats every time they appeared. I do mean every time. Maybe to him I was the little kid that still couldn’t read, even though I was the kid that gave my consent to the doctors to let Grandpa refuse dialysis (what kept him alive after his kidneys failed). After he died, the TV stopped working right. Grandma, because she didn’t use it, wouldn’t pay to get it fixed. She told me if I paid for the new parts than I could keep it. I jumped all over that deal. I treat it as though it was a great gift from my Grandpa.

I tell that story to get to another. Hailey (my daughter, or as Grandpa referred to her as his little dandy) decided to help mommy clean the other day. She sprayed DEF (wallpaper remover) on the TV thinking it was like mommy’s Windex. It soaked into the bottom of the screen and it seeped up in between the multi-layered screen. It disrupted about an eighth of the pixels in the bottom left corner. My TV was in effectively ruined. Don’t worry, I wasn’t mad at Hailey or Kristen or the manufactures of DEF. I was just upset that my only thing I had left from Grandpa was ruined.

I called every repair man in town (and a few out of town), most won’t even try because it would ultimately cost the same to special order a replacement screen for an older DLP TV than to buy a new plasma or LCD TV. They didn't get the fact that I wanted that TV. I priced new ones; but my original intent was to keep that TV forever.

I got frustrated and took a screwdriver to it. I decided that I am a college educated, bright and savvy man’s man. I could figure it out on my own. If I broke it, I would say goodbye on my own terms. I wasn’t going to give up without a fight.
I opened up the back end. I realized that wasn’t right, so I quickly got my wife to help me put it back together. I then started on the front. I loosened screws and got the front panel off. Then I popped the screen out of the holder-thingy. Then, I noticed the layers of screen could be separated. I did so; then cleaned each with alcohol; dried it with a hairdryer; and taped it back together with scotch tape. After I put the screen and the front panel back on, I plugged it back into the wall.

Grandpa lives in my memories and the Grandpa TV lives in my family room. It is as good as new. However, for Christmas, I might still get a new TV and put the Grandpa TV in the basement with my antique video games, away from all toddler harm. If Hailey the Dandy caused that much damage, I wonder how much damage Kai the Warrior can do?

Storms

2008-09-15T12:32:00.002-04:00

I fought the hurricane. I never thought I would say that, but a wind storm with 80 mph sustained winds blew threw Louisville yesterday. Again, it blew through the land-locked Ohio Valley Commonwealth of Kentucky Louisville. One day later, my family is among the 300,000 powerless people (for my Quad-city readers, that is roughly the entire Quadcities + an extra Davenport + an extra Rock Island without power). By powerless, I of course mean entertainment-less.

Storms come and storms go. I got to thinking about how or why the people in New Orleans and Galveston deal with this once to twice a year. I wonder why they don't just move. Then, I got to talking to a friend of mine that was telling me about the crap that he has gone through lately. I want to just tell him to just move, but it doesn't work that way. The people that live around the Gulf of Mexico have deep rooted families and jobs that they can't afford to leave. In the same way, my friend has a lot of reasons not to leave, but in his case, leaving is the best thing to do.

Admitting you are Old

2008-09-09T15:57:00.000-04:00

This blog is not what you are expecting. When you see the title, you might assume this is a funny blog about my love for the 90’s then realizing that they are almost 20 years old. Unfortunately, that is not what this blog is about.

I read a “youth-y” article on a well known youth ministry website where the writer was giving a spiritual take on the MTV Video Music Award show. The article was talking about all the bad stuff that was going on and the slams the host made at virginity. I have a question for that writer. “What were you expecting?” It is MTV. It is the VMA’s. It is the same show that 20 years ago in the 1990’s Howard Stern bared his bare butt while hanging from a cable pretending to be the superhero Ass-Man. MTV is controversy. If it was tame, it would be lame. They have built a long term reputation on doing what is repulsive, blasphemous, and raunchy.

Why is this blog about getting old? Repulsive, blasphemous, and raunchy are relative to the time (not in content, but in delivery). In my younger days, Adam Sandler and Jim Carey were the epitome of repulsive from the perspective of my parents. I knew my parents hated them, so I in turn loved them. This new breed of “funny” (which is just the same gross out 70’s humor - Animal House would so be a hit movie right now) is popular not based on it being well done but on the bases that people over the age of 30 (or 27 in my case) don’t like it - or as a teenager thinks - "We don't get it". By getting in a hissy over it, the old generations are making it more appealing. The humor of the 90's was character driven. The humor of the 00's is parody. The humor now is changing to the old exploitation shocking stuff.

I have a plan of how to get rid of it. If you don’t like MTV or what it stands for, don’t watch it…don’t care about it…be totally oblivious about it. When someone says something about the new show “Date my lesbian midget mother,” say in good conscience that you have never heard of it. Make no big deal about it. Shock TV is nothing new.

If you can’t avoid it (like me and my youth pastor alter ego), equate it immediately to something old. Teenagers think this is all new, because it is new to them. It is always humorous to watch how their faces change from mischievous smirks to disappointed drubs because they couldn’t shock you. That is all they are after. When a kid is telling you about the movie “College”, make sure they know it is a remake from the 60’s. When they talk about Lindsey Lohan being gay, remind them that the same stories were out there for Lesley Gore (It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to) circa 1963. Teen’s think they are in a new age with new points of view. They are wrong, but they won’t realize that until they are my age.

Lastly, in extreme cases only, pretend like you love it. Example, if pot smokers were portrayed on TV as the middle-aged middle-class suburbanite that makes up 60% of the pot smoking community; it wouldn’t seem quite as cool as the Seth Rogan character in Pineapple Express makes the ganja (term used in the 70's).

Here’s the deal, people older than me. MTV is not for us anymore. Their jokes aren’t funny to us anymore. We grew up; they didn’t. If we liked MTV, it would instantly become un-cool. I didn’t watch the VMA’s. I didn’t really know that they were going on. I have to admit that the “I kissed a girl” song is catchy though.

Vacation

2008-08-29T13:39:00.001-04:00

My wife and I will be escaping next week to a land far, far away - far away meaning: Tennessee. We are going on top of Ole Smokey (all covered with cheese). No kids, no responsibility, no worries. We have a cabin in a remote area. We will go down to Gatlinburg for dinners and entertainment, but the most important thing is we can do what ever we want.

Gatlinburg is important to me a Kristen’s relationship. Every year during high school our choir would journey down there to carol to the ungrateful passer-byers. Then again, if a 100 voice choir sang loudly in my ear while me and Kristen are down there this weekend, I probably won’t be ecstatic. During these trips, I would figure out ways to be adventurous without spending money (because I never had any), like getting a small group of guys to pretend to be a small deaf class asking every restaurant if they had ‘fried ice cream’ in sign language. We also would race on foot cars stuck in traffic. There was also a moment where we snuck into one of those haunted houses (and it was real).

More importantly, on one trip, Kristen’s boyfriend didn’t come with us (he was too busy cheating on her). Me and her sat on the bus together the whole way. We listened to music on the borrowed CD player. We shared headphones so we could listen simultaneously. Rebecca St James never sounded so good. We talked. We slept (with her head on my shoulder…actually her head on a pillow on my shoulder…but still cool). She so wanted my body, but since she was dating someone else, I couldn’t let that fly. I am a gentleman. There are pictures of me and Kristen during that time somewhere.

So this week, I have money. I will eat at the finest restaurants. I will walk around with a fist full of quarters. I will bungee jump…then wet myself. I might even buy me one of those knock-off Samurai swords. Above all, I will relax and enjoy myself. Vacation is necessary.

The Talented Mr Monyhan

2008-08-11T14:00:00.000-04:00

I am no Brittney Spears. She is a singer, dancer, and a totally legitimate actress. Well, it may be true that I sing and dance with the best of them; I still have no acting skills to be named a triple threat.

As some of you readers may know, I am a computer programmer for a rather large company in the continental US. That is how a pay my bills. Some of you may also know me as Youth Pastor at Liveloud. I love the teenagers I work with, but they don’t pay very well.

Well, I am adding a third item to my diverse resume. This will come as a surprise to some (those that look only at my body and think that I am into gymnastics or body building only). Since I am a football fan yet live in a non-pro-sports franchise city, I am an avid Colts fan. Some of you church folks have wondered in the past why I disappear on certain Sundays (early games). That said, I have been chosen by ESPN Football Today to be the official Super Fan of the Colts this year. I will be giving a small analysis on the state of Colts football during the year.

So, those that care, my official life title is now – Computer Genius Hard Hitting Sports Analyst Pastor Craig. I will be typing up business cards.

Teeth Impressions

2008-08-06T10:18:00.000-04:00

My wife is in love with vampires. She got the new Stephanie Myers book in the mail and I haven’t seen her since. I can’t fault her. When I got my new Madden Football game in the mail, I disappeared for a while. I just miss her. I want her thinking about me and not Edward Cullins (protagonist). So I have developed a plan. Actually, I developed multiple plans. They are as follows.

Plan 1 – Finish one of my books. I have started two novels. Both are unique ideas. One is a super hero story written in non-comic book form. It details the life of my real life friend Curtis and how he deals with the bad things that happen in life. I started strong, writing 4 chapters in three days. Then I was writing two chapters every month. Then the worst thing that could happen happened. My friend’s life stopped sucking. That is when I lost all inspiration. It is fascinating to read a story about a super hero that has a crappy life, it is boring to write a story about a super hero that’s life has turned around and he won employee of the month. The second novel was an undertaking that only the big daddy writer pros should attempt. It was a historical fiction about the life of a new Christian in 60 AD. It was way over my head as far as writing goes. This plan has major wholes in it. Super heroes and Christianity will never impress my wife enough.

Plan 2 – Become a vampire. She really likes vampires. It all started when I introduced her to a vampire named Lasat (Interview with a Vampire). She only likes the cool, suave, and sexy vampires. That is why I think I could make a good one. I epitomize cool and sexy. The only problem with this plan is getting another vampire to turn me (and the whole soul damning to hell thing). I have to go where vampires are. They got to work at UPS third shift. So if I just cut my arm out in the hub during peak, I can surely get the attention of at least one.

Plan 3 – Pretend I am a vampire. I have a good dental plan. Surely I can get some fangs made. Then all I need is pale skin and a holocaust clock. Then, I can write a memoir that Kristen can read. I will call it “Life Sucks and Then You Un-Die”. This could work. If I can’t attract a vampire like plan 2, I will just do this until I come across one.

Plan 4 – Let Kristen read the vampire books and dream of being in the arms of Edward and (spoiler alert) hosting the little vampire hybrid baby. I think vampire dreams and $20 every so often is a lot cheaper than dental reconstructive surgery.

Idol

2008-07-21T17:18:00.000-04:00

Thou shall not have any idols before thee. But what about the American Idol. I’m not going to lie to you. I was in the line. I got my arm band and I was off to sing to Paula (the only one that actually was an icon). I was going to be sitting in section 305 of Freedom Hall with thousands of others that I can sing way better than. Then my mom called. I told her that me and Kristen were going to try out. Kristen couldn’t have cared less. She was just going to go with me to humor me. I had a sitter for the kids and a vacation day scheduled. I even had my try out song ready. Then my mom said something.

“Don’t take any offence to this, but Kristen has a much better shot than you.” Ouch mom. She is so right. Kristen is prettier and a much better performer that I am. At church, they ask her to sing the cool country tunes with some type of message in them. Me, they ask to do the over the top songs for me to dress up and ham up. She gets Carrie Underwood, I get Meatloaf. So how can I be the next American Idol if I can’t ever win the Monyhan Idol regions with the only other contestant is my wife. Hailey can probably give me a run for my money.

I decided that I didn’t want to do it anyway. I mean, I could totally use that extra vacation day elsewhere instead of in Freedom Hall with thousands of hopefuls that I am clearly better than, all of us hoping that the lady who sang with a cartoon cat will like us enough to give us a golden ticket (thanks Willy Wonka) and send us to Hollywood – which I could never do anyway. Plus, it is easy to get disenfranchised with all the little girls thinking they sound like the next Hannah Montana screaming during the crowd group shot of losers. BTW: only old people watch and vote.

Fear

2008-06-02T10:13:00.000-04:00

I have a fear.

To explain my fear, I have to first explain the starting premise. Everyone has that one or two people in their life that is mentally not all there. I am not talking about a crazy person as much as the really annoying person that is just a little bit retarded. The type of person I am talking about can corner you in a crowded room and talk to you about the most terribly boring topic. The key to know if you are in that situation is if you continue with the conversation out of pity (as if that person has no one else to talk to). Example, there is a guy at the gym that I go to that knows me from a long time ago. I do my best to avoid that person, but somehow that person sneaks in to a conversation with me. That person tells me the same stories and jokes they told me years and years ago. Sometimes, that person even tells me a story that I was a part of. I feel good and bad to end the conversation with them. The good part is the dialog is over in the shortest time I could manage. The bad part is I feel like I am the one person that talked to them all day (and I was trying to run). We all have this type of person in our lives. These people are the crazy uncles, co-workers, and pseudo-acquaintances from the past.

Now to my fear. I feel like I am that person. I feel like my friends just humor me. I wonder if when I come around, people run to avoid getting trapped in a conversation with me. My fear comes from those scary supernatural movies that depict ghosts as not knowing they are ghosts, like in The Others. Seriously, can a half-wit have the mental capacity to know that he is a half-wit? Maybe in his mind, he is a rocket scientist. Example, I am playing trivial pursuit with friends. They ask my team a question (we use teams because we aren’t good enough to do it solo). The question is “who was the first president of the USA?” In my retarded mind, I am under the impression that the question was really “what cheese snack utilizes a cheetah as a marketing mascot?” The answer to the real question is “George Washington”, but I blurt out “Cheetoes!” My friends feel sorry for me and give me a piece of pie anyway.

That is my worst fear. I fear sometimes when my phone calls are not answered, it is because people don’t have time for their “special” friend. I wonder if instead of spending my days here at this office with big time technology floating around, I am really at a mental institution where I play all day with others like me. That would explain why they never give me any real work. Is there anybody out there that feels my pain and fears that the whole reason people ignore you is because they are just humoring you all the rest of the time?

Beer-battered

2008-05-19T16:49:00.001-04:00

I did an accidental social experiment Sunday. The issue is, with any experiment, there must be a conclusion to be drawn. Unfortunately, I didn’t hypothesis the scenario because I didn’t plan the scenario. Nun the less, here is what happened.

Months ago, I had some guys over to watch a game or play a game or something like that. When one guy got there, he brought some chips (it is rude to come over to someone’s house empty handed). The other guy brought some beer. I don’t drink. If I did, it would be something better tasting than beer. The other two guys drink (very little), and altogether they probably drank three bottles of the six.

The beer bringer left the rest in my fridge. I haven’t touched it. It isn’t taking up a lot a room. When he or some other beer drinker comes over, he can drink it. I find little to nothing wrong with booze, I just made my own choice not to drink.

Yesterday, I had some teenagers in my house shooting a video. In the course, of the video, every last actor/actress opened the fridge. This beer looks like beer. There is no mistaking the fact it is beer. It might as well had the “X’s” over the label like the cartoons. Anyway, not a one of them said anything about it.

Here are the logical conclusions that I have come up with.
1) The kids assumed I was a drinker, therefore were not surprised.
2) The kids are used to booze in the house, because there is booze in their houses.
3) The kids were deeply offended and told their parents right away.
4) I go to such a liberal church that none of them cared.
5) They thought it was IBC root beer.

Does any one have any other theories?

Clark Kent and Superman

2008-05-12T13:25:00.001-04:00

If I go crazy than will you still call me superman? Everyone makes the tired joke about the glasses Clark wears single-handedly breaks down the recognizablity of Superman. I am here to tell you glasses (or lack of) really make the man. I know this, because I am superman. Please not I am lowercasing superman. I am not here to provide justice to the world. I am just trying to carve out enough justice for my family and maybe a few friends. I wear glasses 3 to 4 days a week. Those days are Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and sometimes Friday. Wednesdays are centered on the church service, so I wear my contacts. When I get my days confused and accidentally wear my glasses to church, I receive about 25% more geek comments. If I wear contacts to work, I get the young guy jokes. All is right with the world as long as I meet the expectations of my peers. I totally get it Superman.

BTW, if Clark Kent is his alter-ego; what is Superman’s name when he is Superman? Surly his parents didn’t straight up name him Superman. If so, I bet he hated the expectations they placed on him.

Of the entire comic book hero conglomerate, I think I least respect Superman. Really, the dude does everything. Spiderman could only climb walls, shoot webs, jump high, lift a lot, and use spidery senses. That is a lot, but no where near the Superman list. Who needs to climb a wall when you can just hover? The reason why I have little respect for him is, life is effortless. Oh, you need me to save a nuclear power plant. I guess I can just blow my ice breath. Time travel, no problem. Bullets…please. And the writer, how lazy can you get? Ok, I need a super hero that has every ability we can think of. Done. Quick we need something intriguing about him. Fine, we’ll put glasses on him. Batman did the same stuff without any super powers plus fought Superman. He’s a real man…or fake real man.

Craig’s Laws

2008-05-02T13:43:00.000-04:00

And the Winners Are...

2008-04-22T13:45:00.000-04:00

From the Louisville Rivercity, Liveloud Youth Band...

We placed in 6 of the twelve categories entered. Our band was by far the best. We received lots of invites to do church youth rallies. Our teens did great. I am very proud.

That stated, our band and drama team did their thing in front of the church that Sunday. Believe it or not, we received flack about it. I am not going to say from whom, but I was ticked.

The statement I heard was, "Church is for God worship." That statement is wrong. God worship can happen any where. Church is a place where Christians, seekers, and sceptics get together to and grow in Christ. God worship is more than just song singing and Bible reading.

Affirming teenagers during service is totally God worship. One time Jesus was preaching and kids ran up on stage and messed the whole thing up. Jesus loved every minute of it. He even loved scolding his bodyguards about it.

The person who said those things is not a bad person, just a wrong person. Surely, the person didn't think it was about me and promoting my work with the kids. I could care less if I am ever on stage. I grew up on stage. Anyway, the kids did great. Liveloud rocks.

I promise that is as preachy as I will ever get on this blog.

The Truth about Teen Talent

2008-04-15T16:29:00.000-04:00

I know what you are thinking, “you won every award at Teen Talent and Fine Arts didn’t you.” Of course I did. The truth is there is one category that I never won. I only entered it once. I had such a horrible (in my eyes) experience that I never entered again, much to the dismay of my peers. I never won male vocal solo. I won duets, solo-ed in the choir, student directed the mass choir, won drums twice, even won in the inaugural year for the music mime/human video category; but I never won the one that I really wanted to win.

I let everyone believe that I was so confident in my vocal ability that I didn’t need the validation that comes from teen talent. I made everyone believe that I participated with other groups as a favor to help them win, not because I wanted to win. The biggest and darkest secret to this is…I was scared to perform by myself. Even to this day.

The reason I never thought about being a youth pastor is because when you speak you are standing there by yourself. If I mess up, who is to blame but me. If you ever see me perform, please note that there is a band with me, whether it is of kids of professionals. If I sing at a wedding, my wife sings with me. In a group, I bring others up and they bring me up too. They can distract to cover any mistakes I make.

So what caused this deep seated fear of being on stage? I’ll tell you. I was 13. I entered junior talent (teen talents little brother) in male vocal solo. I could sing alright I guess, but I was as cocky as you could be. I get there and they call my name to perform. All I had to do is introduce myself and sing. I walk on stage, I owned this thing. I turned around and faced the audience. I froze. At that second, I embodied the term stage fright. Everyone was staring at me. I had no idea how to handle it. This moment seemed like it lasted 3 minutes of awkward silence. That is because it did last 3 minutes. The sound guy had not started my tape (way before the time of CDs). Finally, I heard him say, “Whatever.” Then he started the tape. Unbeknown to me at the time, he was waiting on me. I was so scared, that I hadn’t introduced myself.

This memory still haunts me. Last week I sang with a track by my self for the first time since (15 years). It was at a funeral (also a first). I was physically rocked, not just because my friend’s dad is lying in a casket; but because I was by myself. Luckily, people paid most of their attention to the deceased (or as I like to call, my newest band member).

To those who don’t know me, I am a very experienced singer. I have been a worship leader for 12 years, some of those years professionally. I just can’t do it by myself. To those who know me well, you think I am super-confident in whom I am and nothing like that shakes me; enjoy knowing my biggest weakness.

That said, good luck to my teens that are going to Kentucky State Teen Talent. Good luck especially to the 5 teens that are braver than I by doing vocal solos.

Hailey’s Song

2008-03-18T11:15:00.001-04:00

Some things that I write about in order to spread my opinions to the world (and by world I mean ‘the two people reading this’). The rest of my writing is to be a historical documentation of my life with my wife and kids. This is one of those entries.

Hailey is musical. She sings and stays on pitch more than half of most church praise teams. She also wants to be like her daddy (in this case me). She wants to be like me so much that even when she farts, she says “I tooted like daddy”. That is not the extent of her musical ability. She is now taking on song writing.

Remember the show “Whose Line is It, Anyway”. They play a game every so often where they make up an impromptu song about a toaster, dirty handkerchief, old men in drag, or any other random thing. These songs are intentionally funny and very well done. Hailey wrote a song about me that was unintentionally funny due to it being very…impromptu. Here are the lyrics of this musical masterpiece.

“Daddy’s eyes are green. Mommy likes the color green. Daddy needs to fight the dragon and save Hailey in the castle. And you know…his eyes are not brown like Hailey’s. And you know…his shirt has pockets. And you know…he’s got pockets.”

I have no idea how long this song would have lasted if it were not bed time. But there is nothing better than a song about you sung by your daughter. I do have some critiquing of the song though. This song is pretty good when you think about a three year old making it up. I have had teenagers (filled with angst) hand me poetry and song lyrics that make about the same amount of sense. The line “And you know” is prominent in all armature song writing. I am serious; every first time song writer has that line in there song. It is a total filler line that has no meaning.

As I am typing this “And you know” rant and its direct association with bad song writing, a song popped into my head that contains that very line. The song is written by obvious armature song writers that I guess got lucky with a one hit wonder song. This song has the lyric “And you know that can’t be bad”. The song is “She Loves You (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)”. Allow me now to change me tune. My daughter is going to be a great song writer like the Beatles. I am just glad that she wrote her first song about me…and you know…my pockets.

Blog Performance Anxiety

2008-03-05T14:32:00.001-05:00

The reason why I haven’t updated in a while is I start a post and then fear what my loyal readers will think. I started writing one blog that made fun of modern music. I started another blog that was about teenagers going through much crazier stuff than I ever did. Both posts I got the feeling that no one would really be interested in reading. It’s kind of like being in the Men’s restroom and standing at one urinal and your boss goes to the urinal right next to yours, you wonder if your pee will sound manly enough or if you had asparagus recently.

What my fan (singular) really wants to read is crazy takes on my life as a father. My son is becoming mobile and my daughter is becoming bruised in the behind region. I am not a big fan of spanking, but I can’t see how a 3 year mind can wrap their brain around certain “time-out” punishments. Mind you, Hailey receives a healthy share of time out; but how do you give your child more time out for not staying in timeout. That is like the bank charging overdraft fees when you run out of money in your account. I feel a swift spanking does the trick. I also feel like the “This is going to hurt me” speech thingy is a load of crap. I don’t want my daughter to make a connection between hitting and love. I think that could lead to a domestic abuse problem and subsequent jail time for murder for me. Until it becomes illegal to spank, I will continue to mildly spank my kids. Let me fix that, until it becomes illegal or my kids get to old or their behavior improves.

I bought new furniture. It is nice. It is pretty. It is too comfortable. I am a thrifty guy until it is time for me to buy something that is supposed to last a long time; then, spend the money for it. Furniture sales people freak me out a little. Correction, all commission sales people freak me out a little. What if everything you bought was sold to you by a sales person. Imagine going to Wal-Mart and having sales reps explaining why it is better to buy the Green Giant brand instead of the store brand. They always want you to buy the more expensive because they get more money for it. I tried commission sales for a short bit. Once in fine jewelry, where I would always help the customer buy exactly what they wanted. The problem with that is commission sales mandates you to sale them more than what they wanted. I tried to sale big daddy TVs too. I might have done well if it wasn’t for the 20 year veteran TV sales guy that would push me out of the way to get to customers that he knew could afford the TV. His name was RW (really RW). He would be like, “Craig, I’ll handle the rich yuppie 40 something couple trying to use technology to solidify their status in life, and you go handle the 15 year old kid that is making out with is girlfriend.” I hate sales people.

Simply Spectacular Sampler

2008-02-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

Please don’t think that I have been avoiding you just because someone has found us. My brother was the first to notice my blog. He must have came across it when he was randomly googleing his name. Monyhan isn’t that common of a last name, so I am sure he reads everything that pops up.

I just got back from a successful ski trip with the teenagers in my youth group. No one died, no one got hurt, and no one cried except for my wife. She was away from our children too long. I thought it would be a nice break for her, but I was wrong. She needs no rest. She is a real trooper making it through the weekend. Our kids and their babysitters survived as well.

Being a youth pastor, I get CDs in the mail by Christian artist that want me to share them with the teens at church. I have determined after listening to all of these “artists”, my absolute favorite is one called “Various Artists”. Those are the only CD’s worth listening to. They are 10 to 14 different artists playing their best song. And let’s face it; they only usually have one good song.

My first CD that I bought in the post-tape era was called, “The Simply Fabulous $1.99 Sampler.” That CD alone introduced me to Switchfoot, Smalltown Poets, The Supertones, Skillet, and Bleach. Plus, it contained a song that has since become one of my all times favorite songs by a band that I think has since disbanded (the Waiting) called, “Hands in the Air.” I credit that song with keeping me saved through a big time of Christian doubt.

Current samplers are great because listening to an entire Stellar Kart album gets a little (or a lottle) redundant and Toby Mac does great action sports songs and nothing more.

I met Toby Mac once. I said “Hi”, he said, “Thanks for having us here.” What I wanted to say was something like, “Do you ever feel like the band Wings? You know, good but not the Beatles.” Or maybe I should have quized him about his own songs like, “What will people think when they hear that I’m a Jesus Freak?” Regardless, Toby Mac solo work is listenable if you are 12 years old, 40 years old but still trying to make kids think you are cool, or if you just can’t let go of DC Talk and listen just to see glimmers of the great band that was.

The solo artist phenomenon isn’t a new thing (or Nu Thang). Think about it, Police then Sting. Matchbox twenty then Rob Thomas. Black-eyed Peas then Fergie (seriously, she is terrible). Regardless, sampler CDs are the only way to go.

The First House Payment

2008-01-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

My family and I moved into a new (41 years old) house during the Christmas season. It is big. By big, I mean bigger than our previous houses. The house we just moved from was about 1000 sq ft. That was fine for me and Kristen. In the time we lived there, our family doubled. So, we doubled our house...but not the payment (thank the Jesus). Our first house in Rock Island, IL was even smaller. It was about 750 sq ft. Yes, it was a house. Not to be too crude, but if I stood outside in the driveway, I could probably pee over the house. I am a talented pee-er, but the house wasn't very big. That house was also made of wood that was painted blue. Not just blue, but smurf blue. It had white shutters. It was the perfect little smurf house. Our furniture really didn't fit there. We didn't really need it anyway. We could just lean against the wall.

By the way, I think we have been discovered, as in my blog. No one has commented, but this sight has been clicked more times by people searching Google by my name than any other sight. Possibilities: my wife googling my name to see if anyone hates me this week, people who hate me looking for news articles or criminal records, or ministry people that think that I am talking bad about them. I wish the people searching my name would be long lost friends that are trying to reconnect with me. There are a few of you that I would like to talk to. There are also a few of you I could careless about, but until you comment or email me you won't know who is who. Three friends in particular that I would like to hear from are: Tony Trudeu (I butchered the last name, but it is pronounced "True - doe"), Tabitha Vonoy (again bad last name spelling), and Kristy Rixman (I still know how to spell your name). If anyone can help me find these people, I would love to talk to them.

Also, have I mentioned that I youth pastor now. It is a part time gig which means I do it because I love it. In turn, it is making me become a better public speaker. I have determined that every time you speak, you learn something about yourself. For instance, last week I continually asked in the middle of the service if the audience understood. Example: Jesus died for your sins, does that make sense. Or God is really cool, you know what I mean. To fix this vocal filler, I am going to give someone in the audience the buzzer from the game Taboo so they can buzz me every time I ask the audience if I am being clear. That can't turn out badly (he said sarcastically).

I am done now. If you are reading my blog, let me know somehow.

The things I tell You

2007-12-21T18:28:00.000-05:00

It is wierd not letting anyone know that I have a blog. I really don't know why I am keeping it sercret. I feel like a little girl hiding my diary under my pillow (as if no one knows its there). At least I am not addressing it in first person ("Dear Dairy"). Maybe I should make a fictional character to write to like Luca. I once wrote a series of short stories about a detective named Luca. Lets try this:

Dear Luca,
Things have been crazy since I last wrote. My brother and his family came in town for Christmas. This was the first time they had met my son Kai. I gave my friend Jon those Rap Snacks I told you about. We broke open a bag and tryed one. They are not bad; however they taste just like lays chips. Chances are, they are lays with a brillent stroke of urban marketing.

I spent my Tuesday night/Wednesday Morning in the ER with my son Kai. He had a fever that won't go away with medicine, so they ran a blood culture on him. The doctor then came into the room to give me the bad news. They needed to transport him to Kosair to have more test done. He might have a bone marrow issue like lukemina or something (his platelette count was down to less than a third). After the test were concluded at Kosair, the doctor told me thatKai was absolutely fine and there was a mathmatical error with his previous blood tests (the lab person didn't write down the count with all of those unnessicary zeros...i.e. 4400 is normal, test result said 440...big difference). I called the original ER and asked for my money back. My case is being reviewed.

In turn, Kai being sick has led us to using the nebulizer from Hailey's sick days. It is sitting in our living room. I tell all of this to get to the point of my daughter is strange. This morning when she and I woke up, we watched cartoons while cuddling on the couch (for all of you non-daughter dads...there is nothing like it). I fall asleep. Later I awake to the sound of my daughter singing the "ABC" song. When I opened my eyes, she was wearing the nebulizer mask and dancing in circles around the base unit. And this isn't even the weirdest thing she did all day. Later, she wanted to watch Frosty the Snowman (after all, she is a Christmasy person like Kristen). The DVD messes up and it only plays in Spanish. As I try to fix it, Hailey says no. She wants it "in Spanish like Dora." My kids are crazy.

Well, thanks again for listening Luca. Until I find more time to write. Your favorite all time Secret Santa partner (I have to have some kind of relationship with this person), Craig.

Because everyone else does it, I will now blog.

2007-12-14T19:33:00.000-05:00

I really can't explain why I created this blog thingy. I really can't explain why I just used the word "thingy". None the less, I am now going to share my life experiences with thousands...no millions of people who don't care. Further more, I am not going to tell anyone that I am righting this so the only people who will know it exists are people who are trying to dig up information about me or long lost friends that randomly Google my name. Either way, I am not going to use this blog as a means to share my political views or express my opinions of modern Christianity. I am just going to tell stories about current things in my life.

For instance, I am currently in the process of moving. The house is a much bigger house than my previous, but with any major purchase, the feeling of buyers remorse in present. On the other hand, I get buyers remorse when I purchase a Powerball lotto ticket and don't win. Sometimes, when I crack open a peanut from those roadhouse steak places and the peanut is missing from the shell, I get buyers remorse and those are free.

My son (Kai) cut his first tooth yesterday. He is a warrior. I imagined that when the tooth came through he let out a victorious grunt. I know that's what I do. My daughter (Hailey) is growing up to be very pretty...and girly. Her favorite color is purple. Her new bedroom is purple with a white fence painted around it. Lucky for her, the people that lived in the house before us had a little girl too, because that paint job would be too difficult for me. Actually, I am just too lazy to do it, but we don't have to tell Hailey. And I don't suspect she will be reading this blog anytime soon.

Christmas is coming soon. My wife (Kristen) has done all the Christmas shopping this year with one exception. I bought one of my friend named Jon a special Christmas gift. He likes rap music and the adjoining urban culture. As I walked through Big Lots, I saw these bags of chips called "Rap Snacks." In case you missed it, I said "Rap Snacks." Reading from the bag, I find that they are the official snack of rap music. I can't make stuff this good up. The snacks feature a picture of a current rap star (this may or may not be true considering I don't indulge), a bio, and an inspirational quote from the artist which surely didn't originate from the artist. I bought three bags. Lil Romeo Sour Cream and Onion featuring the quote "Stay is School", Youngbloodz's Honey BBQ featuring the quote "Get Crunk", and the Dirt McGirt's Original Waved featuring the quote (my personal favorite) "Think Responsibly." Not "Drink Responsibly", because it is highly important to "Think Responsibly."

If you are reading this, chances are you hate me and googled my name hoping to find pictures of me in drag or maybe even a police report about me picking up a hooker; in either case, sorry to disappoint. The only other people who Google my name is my wife (for the same reasons as above minus the part about hating me) and myself to see if anybody has posted anything calling me various feminine hygiene products.